hopes and fears

What do I think of yesterday's gathering?

It was the best bunch of people around. Best... in a sense. Some of them are rather narrow minded. But I'm being mean saying bad things about them.

It is a mirracle that such a circle exists. I am only on the edge of that group, being good friend with Shane and T, who are core people in the group. I do not share their passion for fantasy. But I really admire their love to Lord of the Rings and their openess within themselves.

I even made my efforts to form a group of Doctor Who lovers. Yesterdy they were talking about the early days of LOTRCN. The message board has been there for many years. Shane had been the key person there for 5+ years I think. But before her there were older stories even she didn't know. I think of our DWCN and imagine some day there can be a gathering like this, and I am there to tell our story...

Ten years ago (I estimate), when LOTRCN came into being, the best online community is a message board. When we created DWCN, I suggested a message board, but was dismissed and we are a blog now instead. I think this is very fine.

I think what is lacking now is a/several sociable key person, and an openess to other circles. LOTRCN is loosely associated with several other message boards, especially a fantasy site. I believe Star Wars cn board is another place to meet some of the people. But strangely I never felt at home over at SWCN. And I am not the key person that can associate people together. In LOTRCN they even know several people from the factory that manufactures liscenced official products. They are really capable people! Well! I don't mind if we are connected with LOTRCN! But that's very unlikely.

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My job today is not worse than I feared. At least there is not any silly mistake yet. I got into a relatively intense technical discussion. An I am consiously encouraging myself to be sporty and quirky. I really want my challenging spirit back. But I have so little confidence I can't be comfortable if not putting some crazy-ness into my way.

So oncall just phoned me to inform me of more errors. I've got work.

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I have been looking at data analyst/technical writer sort of job. But do I really want to do that? I would love to try something new. And after thinking about wanting to be 'key person' to create a lovely circle of friends like LOTRCN, I am even thinking of abandoning technical job at all! I need to train myself to be a more people person. Well I suppose jobs don't teach you that. And I can't learn to be people person when I am actually under pressure to be one. So I might stick to be a bad technical person. I only ask for some leisure and to be able to be economically independent, so that I can... start my life!!

I think the biggest obstacle to my being independent is my lazy-ness and my parents' objection. But I feel them to be weak and if I am strong I can manipulate them in believing I could be better in my own way.

Not easy indeed.

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Oh I really need to think about my HK trip!!! I hope T will not be on trip! I really want to meet him and be with him in a gig again!!! Fingers crossed.

Yesterday they were talking about T. We all feel he has changed a lot over the years. While I love so much the him in the past (I only know that via his blog entries at that time), I still can understand why he is what he is now. I talked about that to him and I do not regret that he can't possibly change back. But I feel really sad that I even think such a grave thing is not to be talked about over a meal.

Off to bed. No staying late before the Mika event!