terror of life and death, but back to normal and reading Russell

Last Thursday Mum collapsed in bathroom. She was not even breathing normally. I thought she was suddenly dying. I called ambulance and rushed her into hospital. A sleepless night. I lost my wallet with my credit card and ID card in it. But everything was dwalfed by Mum's condition.

After some chaotic fumbling, rushing Mum to different hospitals, pulling strings by asking help from Mum's boss, then we were able to settle her in Hua Dong hospital. She was treated with medicine, which maintained her life. She had subarachnoid hemorrhage , which is bleeding inside the head. The bleeding was caused by a weakness in the blood vains (what is the right term?).

While her life was in danger from Thursday night to Monday morning (there was no doctor at work in the weekend), I was overcome by the terror of life and death. I became supersticious thinking certain numbers are bad omens. I felt so insecure.

When I was a teenager, I read Russell's foreword to his autobiography, in which he had said, "This has been my life, I would gladly live it again if the chance were offerred me.". I imagined dying then, I couldn't say this. I had decided then that my life's aim would be to be able to say that at dying. Later I read an excerpt from 'Portraits from memory', his opinion on how to grow old, he said that it was understandable that young people fear death, but it would be a shame if old people do. I could not understand his meaning until last year. I had a most happy time going to my first live gig, I felt so expressive, I felt I knew life, the universe and everything. I think Russell means that old people have had the chance to experience the best of life, so that they could accept death. If he does not, that means he has lived a degraded life in which there has been no happiness, which is shameful.

I don't know whether my Mum has had real happiness. Her generation's ability to appreciate the truly beautiful, true happiness, is, I doubt, rather destroyed. WXB has said intellect is the faculty for happiness. Those who grew up in the 1960s in China had an extremely limited and biased youth, a panicking adulthood, a bewildering middle age. I can't think of a worse life.

I can only slightly make up for that by letting her know and feel that I am happy. But she can never understand the truest and best happiness that I have.

I think that except for making her happy, I am content with my life and I can accept death now. I have many things on my mind to do, I still have zest for life, but if some accident should happen I am content. Such thought affords so much security! Right now my biggest source of insecurity is my Mum, my parents.

I got so emotional at these thoughts that I swallowed tears, and I texted Shane and Thomas to let them know that I had been very happy because of them. Before that I half played at the idea of texting S. I want to blend to Mum's wish. If I had to choose someone to marry I think it could be him (of course, if he wanted me). I was held back only at the thought that Mum wouldn't think him a reassuring son-in-law.

I have always repulsed against the idea that life is something that you should manage. Management is such a cold and passionless thing that can only apply to work to get things done. I don't want to get my life done. I want to experience it, I want to feel it.

But I'm not so sure anymore. I can enjoy managed life. Work has changed me.

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Russell's Power

I remember when reading Conquest of Happiness for the first couple of times, Russell said that one of natural desire is the desire for power. I could not feel that! But oddly enough, after In Praise of Idleness, I became interested in Russell's view on social problems. When I read some review/introduction of Power, saying that it is Russell's view that the key to human behavior is power just as wealth to Marx, I instantly agreed. How can I feel that I agree it while I do not for myself feel a strong desire for power? I have not decided on that question. Maybe I belong to the group of people that desire glory more than power, maybe I feel strongly the desire of power but I just have a misconception of it so that I don't know I desire for power. While I can coldly agree with Marx that economy purpose is the driving force of many things, I can never heartedly feel he is right. I would happily settle with little money but a meaningful life. I would feel very uneasy if I worked very hard and were able to become very rich but lacking in methods to enjoy the convenience that money brings. (I'm the artist type, I am.) (But I am also scientist type to some degree I think.)

I was reading chapter 3 the different forms of power. In the last part of this chapter Russell made a very shrewd observation of different powerful people, which made me laugh and nod and stare in awe.

All right, off to bed for some more power. I have some other plans but no time... I'll do them in the weekend.