moving out...? ??!?

Um, first I want to say something about the sudden self doubt that just came over me.

Please I need some reason to confirm my desire to move out of my parents home! I need strength.
Actually now that I come to doubt myself, I can understand more about Mum's unable-ness to understand me.

Do I need to spend 1/3 of the my income on rent, while it can be avoided?

I can see honest work does not bring in much income. Income from already established fortune is more profitable. This is probably always true, in or out of China.

Oh morbidness!

Ok about today.
I slept badly last night, I woke up and slept and woke up and... I slept for only 4 hours. In the morning Mum's nervousness infected me in a mysterious way. I knew she was up early. I heard her walking in the apartment. I heard she turned on the radio. So when I got out of my bed I was in a bad mood. I spoke coldly to her. But I regretted instantly. And she let this matter go after a while.

I arrived in the hospital early. The examination took 1 hour. After that it was still early. I asked Alex to come out early. I bought two illustrated books for my father. I am quite pleased with them. I will give him the Stephen Hawkin book as well. But I will read it first.

Then we sat down to lunch and talked about life and decisions. Basically his plan is like this: He just broke up with his girlfriend because he ultimately intends to come back to China while she wishes to stay in the US. He will finish his paper this year and get a master's degree in EE. Then he will move to another school and study for a master's degree in economics. During the time he will try to play with stocks and others and gain some experience. (I asked him if he intended to be a broker, he said no.) After he graduate with Master degree in economics he will return to China and start working maybe in some consultant or investment company. He is confident with his plans. And asked mine?! Mine? My mind spoke in a feeble voice the vague plan I had in mind. But I can't bring myself to tell him. And all my current persuits seemed unrelyable compared to his.

But he is right, and Mum is right too. I must have a plan for future. I have been drifting.

I have been drifting because I didn't dare to dream. Or we can say I dreamed but I didn't dare to associate dream with reality.

I headed home. I felt un-satisfied. I was not my best when meeting Alex. And I still have the slight desire to impress him. But of course that is with everybody. I saw him today but I never had any sexual fancies toward him anymore. I can see he is definately not 'my world' kind of person. Though his openess has been a great help to me.

So I popped into a shop and bought a shirt. I like it very much!

And came home. Aunt and my cousin were here, too. I felt I was doing a gracious thing lending them my hair style card. They were talking about my other cousin. He just landed in a fine looking job. Mum has been praising him about the job all the way. But today we got to know that he intends to give his mother nothing out of his salary. I think it's a bad way to handle this. Giving his mother some money could help her a lot and could do himself no harm at all, since his mum tends to spend most of her money on him. It is only now my Mum mentioned that he never shared his scholarship.

After aunt left, I talked this matter with Mum. She gave some angry remark. And instantly came to my problem of wanting to rent a place and live alone. To her it was spending money away uselessly. I asked her if she told my aunt about this. The answer was affirmative. Yet aunt mentioned nothing at me. I suspect she will go to my other aunt and spread the news. They would shake their heads about me.

I need to be kind, warm and firm about this.
But first I need to convince myself that living alone is important. Maybe renting is not a good option. My parents can afford to buying me an apartment there.

I will think this over tomorrow.