title?

OK. I've been wanting to write this since this morning. But whenever I sat down at the computer, I get distracted by the various things you could get on the internet - I leap at anything that distracts me from this painful thinking. And now the air conditioner is on and it's quiet at night. I need to do this.

Why is this journal painful? I started wanting to do it myself. It felt good writing an account of my day when I enjoyed and maybe a little dazzled by what I did and thought during the day. But recently I did little and my thoughts have been chaotic.

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I resigned my job this Monday.
I lost my three year bonus which is a very large amount to me now. I never thought I would be unable to get it and now I feel tricked. This amount of money was taken from my monthly salary, to be returned to me at the end of three year. The purpose is to secure 3 years' service from us, preventing us from jumping to other places after all the training we get here. It was not on my contract but it is always on our salary email. I have served for three years and one month. I would not resign if I got proper developement on our team in the recent 1.5 years.

I had felt that DX and Georgia had high hopes for me and I blew it. I have always felt guilty of it. But now the loss of 1.6w RMB takes the sense of guilty from me. I had felt grudge that DX never saw my efforts and possitive work. He arrives at a conclusion and relies on it. But his pace was out of my natural pace. I am slow and I hope to do things with prudence. DX was expecting me at too early a stage, he got disappointed and the disappointment stayed put. So when I catch up he could not at all see me. For this matter I have responsibilty too, I could have communicated with him more.

I keep remembering the first time I saw him. It was in my final job interview. I waited in the little room. He was chewing a gum when entering. He motioned me to speak but he did not appear to be listening to me. So I paused to get his attention. He turned attention briefly and I spoke. When he talks he is always with ease and sounds kind.

I am determined to interprete this from the negative side. Do you know what? It's easier to be kind when you are at a good position, when you have confidence, you have good things for yourself so that you have abundant good things to spare a little kindness to others. At least you can be civil. I could! I know that feeling. But now I am thrown back and sank back to a hateful person. That is the most heart breaking loss: I am negative, I don't behave, I can barely be civil, and don't mention being sporty.

So, about the bonus. Looking back at the whole thing, you can't say DX is illegal. He promised to give me the money at the end of November 2010. In June he talked to me and we both agreed that it would be better that I leave the company soon. It would only be decent that he gave me back what should have been mine. But you can't rely on morals for such matter. DX has so much more power over me. So the only thing I could have done to prevent the loss is that I didn't enter the three year program. What would that affect the way he treated me? I shudder to think.
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I had two job interviews on Friday. And I started thinking about jobs as the lifestlye it could force onto me. The working hours, the collegues, the prospect and all.

OK I'll do this tomorrow (actually it's past midnight).
Off to bed.