Finding Serenity

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2010-12-29T04:39:00.001+08:00

http://5starsupplier.com/zh245.html tq yf xr38ws t251h8tw

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Thanks,

Kate
XY Chen

moving out...? ??!?

2010-08-26T00:05:00.001+08:00

Um, first I want to say something about the sudden self doubt that just came over me.

Please I need some reason to confirm my desire to move out of my parents home! I need strength.
Actually now that I come to doubt myself, I can understand more about Mum's unable-ness to understand me.

Do I need to spend 1/3 of the my income on rent, while it can be avoided?

I can see honest work does not bring in much income. Income from already established fortune is more profitable. This is probably always true, in or out of China.

Oh morbidness!

Ok about today.
I slept badly last night, I woke up and slept and woke up and... I slept for only 4 hours. In the morning Mum's nervousness infected me in a mysterious way. I knew she was up early. I heard her walking in the apartment. I heard she turned on the radio. So when I got out of my bed I was in a bad mood. I spoke coldly to her. But I regretted instantly. And she let this matter go after a while.

I arrived in the hospital early. The examination took 1 hour. After that it was still early. I asked Alex to come out early. I bought two illustrated books for my father. I am quite pleased with them. I will give him the Stephen Hawkin book as well. But I will read it first.

Then we sat down to lunch and talked about life and decisions. Basically his plan is like this: He just broke up with his girlfriend because he ultimately intends to come back to China while she wishes to stay in the US. He will finish his paper this year and get a master's degree in EE. Then he will move to another school and study for a master's degree in economics. During the time he will try to play with stocks and others and gain some experience. (I asked him if he intended to be a broker, he said no.) After he graduate with Master degree in economics he will return to China and start working maybe in some consultant or investment company. He is confident with his plans. And asked mine?! Mine? My mind spoke in a feeble voice the vague plan I had in mind. But I can't bring myself to tell him. And all my current persuits seemed unrelyable compared to his.

But he is right, and Mum is right too. I must have a plan for future. I have been drifting.

I have been drifting because I didn't dare to dream. Or we can say I dreamed but I didn't dare to associate dream with reality.

I headed home. I felt un-satisfied. I was not my best when meeting Alex. And I still have the slight desire to impress him. But of course that is with everybody. I saw him today but I never had any sexual fancies toward him anymore. I can see he is definately not 'my world' kind of person. Though his openess has been a great help to me.

So I popped into a shop and bought a shirt. I like it very much!

And came home. Aunt and my cousin were here, too. I felt I was doing a gracious thing lending them my hair style card. They were talking about my other cousin. He just landed in a fine looking job. Mum has been praising him about the job all the way. But today we got to know that he intends to give his mother nothing out of his salary. I think it's a bad way to handle this. Giving his mother some money could help her a lot and could do himself no harm at all, since his mum tends to spend most of her money on him. It is only now my Mum mentioned that he never shared his scholarship.

After aunt left, I talked this matter with Mum. She gave some angry remark. And instantly came to my problem of wanting to rent a place and live alone. To her it was spending money away uselessly. I asked her if she told my aunt about this. The answer was affirmative. Yet aunt mentioned nothing at me. I suspect she will go to my other aunt and spread the news. They would shake their heads about me.

I need to be kind, warm and firm about this.
But first I need to convince myself that living alone is important. Maybe renting is not a good option. My parents can afford to buying me an apartment there.

I will think this over tomorrow.

trying to understand

2010-08-24T22:50:00.001+08:00

Yeah! I forgot the thing I wanted to write in the journal!

This morning a man came to messure our balcony. He explained that there were two options we could choose from, and he explained a little. They both sounded reasonable. Option 1 is expensive but better, option 2 is common use. Mum gave up instantly and asked the man to do the choice. (He seemed a nice man though.) But I think a better way is trying to understand more both methods and our requirements and make the decision by ourselves, asking the man only technical questions.

I can see why Mum gave up understanding the man. And I sometimes do so too. I will try not to let that happen.

back on track

2010-08-24T22:41:00.001+08:00

I got the job offer yesterday. The amount of payment will be enough for me to live alone, with little left.
So! I have been brooding with dark temper for months, and in idleness with jobless-restless-ness. Now I finally feel I'm back on track. The new job will be challenging, but not very technically challenging. It will be mainly personally challenging. I think it's a healthy combination to me. And I have a lot of ideas and plans for the future life. Sometimes it feels terrifying.

I got up at 9:00 this morning. I did washing and others and breakfasted leisurely. I booked a hospital examination, and played Bach a little. Mum is planning something to our balcony, and a man came to do the measuring. I was a bit light hearted and a bit restless. It took me a quite some effort to decide to go out. I need to do some thinking outside my parent's home.

Because I got a job offer, I suddenly felt the need to spend some money. I had in mind to do some shopping around the subway station. I also had in mind to go to the library for some real quite time. So I set out.

I visited the shops but bought nothing. To go to the library will be a long walk (or a shorter one but a long waiting for a bus). So I postponed it by popping into a bookstore. I wanted to buy a gift for my father. I came across a Stephen Hawking book, it even contains the original english text. So I bought it. It can be a present to father. I will go to a bigger store in search for something grander, maybe a book with illustration about astronamy.

During my negative days, most of the possitive thinking happened in the library. So I made up my mind and walked for 40 minutes to the library. I'm glad I made the decision. I could sit there without reading, yet it would be better than staying home. The library is now the best place to calm me down, to make me full of ideas.

I sat down with "Music Theory for Today's Musicians" by Ralph Turek. I was not prepared to dive into the book. I plan to only read the first part of the book for the time being (and it will take a long time). And ideas came while I was settling into the book. Ideas of my life, of work, of vague projects...

I had plans for tonight. Then I came home. My parents were out. I had a brief dinner. I carried out part of my plans. But then I was stuck online and did not do much things constructively.

But I'm on good track! Come on!

From tomorrow on I will sleep early and get up early. I will record what I did. I will live an examined life.

I look forward to meeting Alex tomorrow. :)

nervous

2010-08-23T01:03:00.001+08:00

Tomorrow I will hear from the job offer that I've been waiting. I am nervous. If I get this job, I will start making the life I want, which involves moving out from my parent's apartment. I don't think Mum is expecting this though I've talked to her.

This moment I need help most.

I need the strengh and will to get me through.

Will she help me finding an apartment to rent if I made it clear to her that I would appreciate this very much?

tough

2010-08-15T14:32:00.001+08:00

My mum does not agree with me in an important decision. I don't want to be unreasonable or stubborn. But I can't see that I am wrong either.

The decision in question is: should I take the exam and try to be a civil servant?
This paticular disagreement is only part of a more fundamental disagreement between us. I think for the time being I will try not to make the problem bigger by digging it deeper for her.

My mum has been a hard working person. My family could have been living in poverty if my Mum had not tried to work in government. Mum works in tax department. She is responsible of taking care of about 75 businesses in the district. She is the lowest in status in the government (until about a year ago she got a slight promote). She has been working like that for more than 15 years. She just retired this July. While my father is an electrician in a state run hotel. My mother earns 4 times more than him.

The job in the government is secure and comfortable, and profitable. It is natural that Mum wants me to follow her steps.

My mum is honest and hard working. But I wouldn't consider myself to be living an honest life if I work for our government. I don't believe it fair to pay government staff so much more than other equally hard working people. If I were being paid like that... I can't think of how I should look at myself. I might become VERY VERY cynical I suppose, too cynical to be healthy.

Another of my objection is that I don't like the people working in government. They are usually people very unlike me. I think usually they are either retarted, resigned from the desire to pursue more things with effort, or they are profit-minded. I wouldn't like to work among them.

I have another objection that is very practical. The competition for becoming a civil servant is now very severe (because it is unfairly highly paid) that even if I make effort to prepare for the exam, I would not be likely to pass it. Although I am smart and knowledgeable enough for the job, my chances of getting a job offer in the government is very small. If I fail the exam (which is very likely) Mum would not be satisfied, if by extreme luck I passed, I would still hestitate to accept the offer. So it seems to me efforts to prepare for the exam is quite pointless, the result is not worth the effort.

Battery is running out. I will post this and continue later.

Better keep this going

2010-08-08T00:52:00.001+08:00

All right.

Yesterday I typed "try tomorrow" I had something in mind and today I carried it out. I made a paper flower according to a picture I saw online. I couldn't make it exactly like the picture, but the result was satisfactory.

While I was sitting there making the flower, Dad was managing his various account in a SNS website. He is addicted to the games there. I so want to find something better for him.

Went out lunch with Annie. I decided to go only because I've been home for a week and talking only to my parents. Going shopping with Annie is always a pain. Is talking to her better than nobody? I don't know. I will go to a WETA exihibition tomorrow, the adimitance fee is expensive and the venue is very far away. But I need something to go to, to keep me in touch with human being.

I love WETA and the Lord of the Rings. I love my LOTR friends. I have been very inspired with the gang. I met some of my most valuable friends through the LOTR circle. But I rather dislike the way Shane (who is a most valuable friend of mine) gets so super excited whenever a LOTR related celebrity comes over. I suspect that I envy her. Well I don't feel the urge to get celebrity autograph etc. I would very much like to let them know that I love their work, but I'm sure someone else told them already.

This afternoon G came over to our apartment. We sat and talked. She earns 10,000 RMB a month working in a consultant company. And she wants to retire to a state run company and live an easy life. My Mum would be so happy if I was like that. Mum just can't see that I am not that sort of person at all.

After G left, mum and dad was remembering our collage entrance exam (again). They remembered G had 20 extra points in the exam. They remembered the score I had. I don't even remember that. I only remember I had 99 out of 150 for Chinese, so that I could boast to others that I was a poor student. I had only 5 extra points. So they concluded that I was a poorer student than G. I am now a grown up person so I don't get furious at this. Of course my parents got it wrong. G took history while all the smart pupils took physics like me.

Oh I do remember I got 28 out of 30 for 'zong he', top of my class (and probably grade). It's a mixture of history, geography, chemistry... It only consisted 30 points in all so it was a negalected subject. I remember that because I am actually proud of it. I love these knowledge simply because I am interested.

I want to make my Mum happy. But not at the cost of my own happiness. Because if I am not happy, Mum would not either. She just doesn't know that I am pretty sure I don't want to go the easy way.

I don't want to be a public servant. I would like to have the money they are getting. But I do not consider a job in our government to be an honest way of living. I can't tell my mother that. Because this situation raises a problem: how am I be happy if I cannot get the money. I need to find out the solution and then let Mum know.

So, the magical thing is that I watched Cemetery Junction tonight. It's like American Graffiti. I absolutely love the film. It tells the story of three young blokes, Freddie, Bruce and Snork. They are very different, but very close friends, like that usually happen to very innocent young people. They hang in pubs fighting little fights. Freddie left his factory job where Bruce was still working. Freddie got a job in an ensurance company. He was tempted by the sort of life his senior was promising him. Bruce (played by the beautiful Tom Hughes <3) had problems with his family. His father was retarted and his mother left them long ago. As Freddie knew his boss more, his passed from the defender of their sort of life to realizing the empty-ness of their life. In the end, Freddie, the one who wanted a prosperious and secure life, quit the job and ran away. The rebellious Bruce, finally knowing what his father did for him, settled down in town. His father still appeared retarted, but he knew what life has done to him.

I can feel so much in them!! The film just hit my heart in the middle.

Today

2010-08-07T01:06:00.001+08:00

Today started great. I typed my notes of musical theory from the book I read yesterday. (So one day in the library with the right books fuels two days' possitive work.) I was affected by this act that I even played BWV 899 with the sort of concentration that I haven't have for a long time.

Had a haircut in the afternoon.

Mostly wasting time. T bought SFX issue 199 for me YAY!

OK, the note was just enumerating the types of chords. I think when I settle down methodically to a task, I can get into the state.

Try it tommorrow.

INSPIRE ME!! PLEASE!!!

2010-08-06T00:54:00.001+08:00

Fancinated by Van Gogh these days. (I mean as fancinated as my brains can do these days. <-how does emoticon work in email post?) Suddently it occurred to me that I could find some book about him in the Shanghai Library. I would love to see a book with his paintings and letters accompaning them. I don't need to check out the books since it's too expensive for me to enable that service, but I have time now and I could read it there. I remember in a room with books in foreign languages (mostly English) there is a section of art. A collection of art books is bound to have Van Gogh.

I am glad that I decided to go to the library. Staying home is making me nervous and ... Well I am too relaxed at home, can't do any real work. I can't even play piano these days. I need regular working day to fuel me with desire for personal persues, and to keep me in contact with people other than my parents.

So, I didn't find any Van Gogh in the section. But it being my favourite room, I grabbed a 'Art History for Dummies' and sat down. I read part about Van Gogh and Millet. I remember in Lust For Life, Stone said that Millet inspired Van Gogh.

And suddenly... my preoccupation on my own fret desolved! I knew it happened but I can't feel it now since I am sitting here at home. I still remember when it happened I was reading Millet, that Millet had a nosgla feeling about peasents and countryside, when his work was exhibited in Paris, the rich was horrified that his work is properganda of working class. It showed me history. My problems seemed so small and negelactable.

My parents experienced political chaos. Their view of life is so resigned. I am certain that my view is much heathier and happier than theirs. But it would be painful to convert them - if I can convert them at all. They have reached an age that the best thing to happen to them are things to their liking. I will try my best to make them feel like that.

It doesn't necessary mean to compromise to meet their wishes. I can muster plenty of possitivity and then let it emit naturally.

But first I need to feel secure myself and be inspired.

title?

2010-08-05T00:44:00.001+08:00

OK. I've been wanting to write this since this morning. But whenever I sat down at the computer, I get distracted by the various things you could get on the internet - I leap at anything that distracts me from this painful thinking. And now the air conditioner is on and it's quiet at night. I need to do this.

Why is this journal painful? I started wanting to do it myself. It felt good writing an account of my day when I enjoyed and maybe a little dazzled by what I did and thought during the day. But recently I did little and my thoughts have been chaotic.

=====================
I resigned my job this Monday.
I lost my three year bonus which is a very large amount to me now. I never thought I would be unable to get it and now I feel tricked. This amount of money was taken from my monthly salary, to be returned to me at the end of three year. The purpose is to secure 3 years' service from us, preventing us from jumping to other places after all the training we get here. It was not on my contract but it is always on our salary email. I have served for three years and one month. I would not resign if I got proper developement on our team in the recent 1.5 years.

I had felt that DX and Georgia had high hopes for me and I blew it. I have always felt guilty of it. But now the loss of 1.6w RMB takes the sense of guilty from me. I had felt grudge that DX never saw my efforts and possitive work. He arrives at a conclusion and relies on it. But his pace was out of my natural pace. I am slow and I hope to do things with prudence. DX was expecting me at too early a stage, he got disappointed and the disappointment stayed put. So when I catch up he could not at all see me. For this matter I have responsibilty too, I could have communicated with him more.

I keep remembering the first time I saw him. It was in my final job interview. I waited in the little room. He was chewing a gum when entering. He motioned me to speak but he did not appear to be listening to me. So I paused to get his attention. He turned attention briefly and I spoke. When he talks he is always with ease and sounds kind.

I am determined to interprete this from the negative side. Do you know what? It's easier to be kind when you are at a good position, when you have confidence, you have good things for yourself so that you have abundant good things to spare a little kindness to others. At least you can be civil. I could! I know that feeling. But now I am thrown back and sank back to a hateful person. That is the most heart breaking loss: I am negative, I don't behave, I can barely be civil, and don't mention being sporty.

So, about the bonus. Looking back at the whole thing, you can't say DX is illegal. He promised to give me the money at the end of November 2010. In June he talked to me and we both agreed that it would be better that I leave the company soon. It would only be decent that he gave me back what should have been mine. But you can't rely on morals for such matter. DX has so much more power over me. So the only thing I could have done to prevent the loss is that I didn't enter the three year program. What would that affect the way he treated me? I shudder to think.
=====================

I had two job interviews on Friday. And I started thinking about jobs as the lifestlye it could force onto me. The working hours, the collegues, the prospect and all.

OK I'll do this tomorrow (actually it's past midnight).
Off to bed.

restless

2010-07-26T17:05:00.001+08:00

I had meant to make this journal daily, or almost daily, just like RTD in his The Writer's Tale.

It has been another week since I last updated. During this time I didn't have any desire to summerise my day. Yesterday I browsed thru some of my writings on douban, I recall those times I talked about Bach, about reading, about the tiny bits of relevations I had during the day. I miss those times.

Wny am I now perpectually in a restless state?

shopping, meeting ZY, reading about van Gogh

2010-07-19T00:21:00.001+08:00

Saturday was devoted to meeting a new friend. I think I will call her ZY for the time being (because I think I need a better name for her). I knew her because of our mutural love of Doctor Who. But she turned out not to be a nerdy girl like myself. She is tall and fashionable and older than me. She works in a cosmetics company. But I don't know what she does and I don't know how to ask that question.

We have much to talk because of Doctor Who. We talked over lunch. Then we went shopping together. She is obviously a shopping guru. After shopping we sat in a starbucks and talked. I suspect that she is used to going home late for a day like this. I was almost thankful that the starbucks closes very early because of the closure of the building in which it resides.

I think she is very nice and worldly. I think it does me good meeting her.

Saturday night. I changed some music from/to my ipod. I was very impressed by Carter Burwell's In Brugues so I'm listening to his other work.

I meddled with some Matt Smith Abuser again! I slept late because of that.

Today I wanted to go to Shanghai library for a book about Van Gogh. When I stepped outside, I felt the shoes I bought yesterday were wrong. I had to return the shoes first. And I spent some time shopping for shoes again. I think I was inspired by yesterday's shopping with ZY, I tried some clothes in H&M, UNICLO and Zara. I ended up buying a T-shirt from uniclo, and a pair of causual shoes from HM.

Then I went to the library. My card expires exactly on today! I renewed it. I found the book with no difficulty. I was delighted.

Yes. After Richard Curtis' Doctor Who epsisode I have an idea of Van Gogh that's very touching. I'm not sure if it is the correct one. But I'm possitive: otherwise Van Gogh couldn't have inspired Curtis to write such a story. I borrowed Irwing Stone's novelization of the artist. Stone visited many places and met many people in his research for Van Gogh. I think this book will be worth reading. (Though I really don't know how to treat a novelization like this. Why not write a real biography?)

I read the beginning of the novel in which Van Gogh fell in love with his landlady's daughter. Stone said, 'he was an idealist and this was his first love.'. My view of the world has now become complicated and now I don't regard idealist as a sure possitive thing. But I could instantly feel the intensity of that sentance. I wish I could be loved by an idealist. I know that idealist can be very troublesome, but...

This afternoon was warm and breezy. I lay on the floor in front of my balcony, it was bright and sunny outside. It was not too hot. I felt so cozy! What a lovely afternoon. I fell asleep reading. I love that I love that!! As if without a care..

Mum is much better now. She even made dinner today. I will not continue my piano session next week. I think I will have a week for researching for job.

Oh yes. I recorded Chopin Op.9-2 today. I don't think I will wait for me getting better at the piece. And I recorded again Big My Secret. I think this time I played too fast.

Anyways...

no plan, just carry on for a while

2010-07-14T23:00:00.000+08:00

Yes I checked. Last post was on July 7th. So another week. Real life has been horrible that the mere thought of re-thinking it at the end of day is dangerous and may lead to emotional break down.

Oh I mean, Mum is much better now.
But!
Well.
I don't have much to say about the past week.
Work: I have been quite absent-minded. And I can be very depressed sometimes. Oh I don't have the mind to think things out now. But I have a lot of ideas.
Family: Get to see my aunts very often. They are a great help.
Music: After Mum moved out of hospital last Saturday, her two sisters came to our apartment often and helped a lot with housework. So I got to play piano for a while every day starting from Monday. I still don't have the heart to follow my usual way (scales, hannon, czerny...). But I realized that playing Bach concerntrated for a while (15 min or so) means the start of a good night. It makes me feel free of restlessness.
Reading: I finally wrote the review of In Praise of Idleness. I think I want to write an English version. I have been reading Salmon of Doubt. It has been a long time since I dropped it. I find that I am sometimes too tired to remember some of the details. For example ... Oh I can't remember the example either!! I felt it so strongly today at lunch break! I think it has something to do with Rhino .
A lot of online networking. It's not really the need of communicating with online friends, it's the need to distract myself from serious work. I am tired. I just need passive entertainment. The easiest to get at work and at home is hop online. Must stop this. (well, but i lack the major motivation to go on with serious work.)
I finally allow myself to play around the idea of my fancy to T. I think our friendship is quite special. He is someone who evolves and can still deal with past with ease. I like that! But the fancy is more a relief to my major mental activity than real like to him (though I like him a lot).

no plan. just carry on! Oh...

The impossible lifestyle

2010-07-07T13:04:00.001+08:00

It's no surprise that it is only when Mum is staying in hospital that I realize how much she helped me in daily life. When she is 'functional', my working day is usually like this:
6:30 get up
6:45 breakfast
7:00 set out for work
8:00 in office
...
17:30 set out for home
18:45 dinner
19:30 some chores
20:00 piano session
21:00 online reading
22:00 in bed for some reading
23:00 sleep

Work day for me now is like this:
6:40 get up
7:00 grab breakfast and set out for work
8:00 in office
...
17:30 set out for hospital
18:45 in hospital
19:00 brief dinner (bought by my aunt)
19:30 some outdoor business (fetch things for Mum, banking things @ some ATM, etc.)
20:30 home, housework
21:30 retire, but energy only for passive activities, yet dissatisfied cause no piano, no real reading. Usually I go online socializing for hours.
23:30 in bed dissatisfied
24:30 cannot sleep and get up fumbling, but no real activity.
Then I usually stay awake until 2:00 panicking, or fall asleep finally.

Yesterday I got my salary for June. I had 6 days off for the Hong Kong trip and for Mum. So my salary shrank by 1000RMB. The actual amount for one month's income can barely cover my expense for my 3 day's trip to HK, excluding the books and CDs I bought there.

If I am to continue with this calculation (I don't usually because I care so little for money), I found that the total of my 3 years' income can just about cover my Mum's recent medical expense. Of course Mum has state run insurance, I don't know how much she could get from that, but I won't be surprised if the insurance can cover up 50%, while I don't have the insurance. If I should have this injury in head, I need to give up at least 2 years' income in order to stay alive (assume that I have strings to pull to get me a doctor, which I do not. Might as well die).

This is not the life of a decent person. I squeezed my real life (music, reading, art etc.) to as tiny as possible and can barely keep alive. However actually to me, solitude time in reading and musing is more essential than anything else. I gave up these in exchange for a secure life, but get a degraded life.

terror of life and death, but back to normal and reading Russell

2010-07-01T23:45:00.001+08:00

Last Thursday Mum collapsed in bathroom. She was not even breathing normally. I thought she was suddenly dying. I called ambulance and rushed her into hospital. A sleepless night. I lost my wallet with my credit card and ID card in it. But everything was dwalfed by Mum's condition.

After some chaotic fumbling, rushing Mum to different hospitals, pulling strings by asking help from Mum's boss, then we were able to settle her in Hua Dong hospital. She was treated with medicine, which maintained her life. She had subarachnoid hemorrhage , which is bleeding inside the head. The bleeding was caused by a weakness in the blood vains (what is the right term?).

While her life was in danger from Thursday night to Monday morning (there was no doctor at work in the weekend), I was overcome by the terror of life and death. I became supersticious thinking certain numbers are bad omens. I felt so insecure.

When I was a teenager, I read Russell's foreword to his autobiography, in which he had said, "This has been my life, I would gladly live it again if the chance were offerred me.". I imagined dying then, I couldn't say this. I had decided then that my life's aim would be to be able to say that at dying. Later I read an excerpt from 'Portraits from memory', his opinion on how to grow old, he said that it was understandable that young people fear death, but it would be a shame if old people do. I could not understand his meaning until last year. I had a most happy time going to my first live gig, I felt so expressive, I felt I knew life, the universe and everything. I think Russell means that old people have had the chance to experience the best of life, so that they could accept death. If he does not, that means he has lived a degraded life in which there has been no happiness, which is shameful.

I don't know whether my Mum has had real happiness. Her generation's ability to appreciate the truly beautiful, true happiness, is, I doubt, rather destroyed. WXB has said intellect is the faculty for happiness. Those who grew up in the 1960s in China had an extremely limited and biased youth, a panicking adulthood, a bewildering middle age. I can't think of a worse life.

I can only slightly make up for that by letting her know and feel that I am happy. But she can never understand the truest and best happiness that I have.

I think that except for making her happy, I am content with my life and I can accept death now. I have many things on my mind to do, I still have zest for life, but if some accident should happen I am content. Such thought affords so much security! Right now my biggest source of insecurity is my Mum, my parents.

I got so emotional at these thoughts that I swallowed tears, and I texted Shane and Thomas to let them know that I had been very happy because of them. Before that I half played at the idea of texting S. I want to blend to Mum's wish. If I had to choose someone to marry I think it could be him (of course, if he wanted me). I was held back only at the thought that Mum wouldn't think him a reassuring son-in-law.

I have always repulsed against the idea that life is something that you should manage. Management is such a cold and passionless thing that can only apply to work to get things done. I don't want to get my life done. I want to experience it, I want to feel it.

But I'm not so sure anymore. I can enjoy managed life. Work has changed me.

===============
Russell's Power

I remember when reading Conquest of Happiness for the first couple of times, Russell said that one of natural desire is the desire for power. I could not feel that! But oddly enough, after In Praise of Idleness, I became interested in Russell's view on social problems. When I read some review/introduction of Power, saying that it is Russell's view that the key to human behavior is power just as wealth to Marx, I instantly agreed. How can I feel that I agree it while I do not for myself feel a strong desire for power? I have not decided on that question. Maybe I belong to the group of people that desire glory more than power, maybe I feel strongly the desire of power but I just have a misconception of it so that I don't know I desire for power. While I can coldly agree with Marx that economy purpose is the driving force of many things, I can never heartedly feel he is right. I would happily settle with little money but a meaningful life. I would feel very uneasy if I worked very hard and were able to become very rich but lacking in methods to enjoy the convenience that money brings. (I'm the artist type, I am.) (But I am also scientist type to some degree I think.)

I was reading chapter 3 the different forms of power. In the last part of this chapter Russell made a very shrewd observation of different powerful people, which made me laugh and nod and stare in awe.

All right, off to bed for some more power. I have some other plans but no time... I'll do them in the weekend.

Curiouser and curiouser

2010-06-21T23:11:00.001+08:00

Last night was my last show of this year's SIFF. It was Once. I loved it much better now. Last time I saw it was before I loved any pop/rock music. Now I even wish to write songs myself! I can totally recognize myself with the Guy and the Girl in the film. When the film was over, the audience clapped. I was glad to be able to clap with them (wouldn't dare to clap alone). It curiously reminds me of the night with Mika a few days ago. But I can relate more to this film because it is about ordinary people who loves music. Mika is a very well managed and very professional.

So today, after 5 days of no work (except a phone call from on-call to inspect a failure), I switched back to work mode. It feels strange.

They treated the failure without my knowing it. I was angry about the rudeness. And sent a 'Fxxk' message to douban.
I received a message from Jacky (!). He is back in CDC(!). As if saying, look at your life! You are a loser!

I took several minutes to adjust my attitude. I am now totally indifferent to what I do now. Drifting. I need professional politeness, thanks! I don't need friend talk, thanks! Get away from me, everyone! (No wonder my resources are limited.) Later I was able to welcome him. I am not being untrue of my feelings, I merely believe in good will, even I don't naturally bear any.

Work was caotic. I don't know why we should have so much urgent projects so suddenly. Joseph and Raymond asked me to a discussion about the new project. But they were only half concerned about doing the work. They were concerned about training the new member. Natural! I am not long on our team. Should've played tactic and keep my intention to myself.

Fine. I'm on my own.

I started my piano session today (in two weeks). I was not able to stay concentrated. I played Czerny and Bach.

I spent about 1 hour setting up the blog. Web connection to Godaddy.com was slow.
I read briefly the Thing. Go go go!

I received a douban message requesting to join our DWCN. I looked at her profile, a Matt-Smith-Abuser. What should I do? Oh! The best thing of my doing, is our DWCN. I don't want to leave any bad thing to it!!!!!!!!!!!! I will email other members about this. Our blog is not a public service. We are just some people who like each other. I want to decline her without being arrogant. But actually I want to FIGHT them! Those Matt-Abusers! Calm down! You are not defending Matt by doing that. You just want to satisfy your own feeling.

Oh yes! Today on my way back I passed an unpleasant woman whose way of walking forced me to go to car-lane. I can remember I intentionally bump such people. But I refrained from doing that today. I naturally don't want to do that. Not out of resignation, just don't care my hurt feelings. Yes, do not regard your feelings so much. I never thought I could naturally do that! Great...

Yes, two things to promised myself to write about in this daily journal:
1) I think I go to HK for refuel. Last year I came back with renewed spirit. Then spirit sank gradually. Now I needed refuel. It was kind of different because I instantly sank to morbid this morning when I walked into office. But I think the strangth is becoming deeper.

2) Yesterday I was reading Power. I came across this statement (not exact quote). First I believe Russell has an ideal of how power should be distributed among people. Though I don't know what it is yet, I feel that I will agree with him. But he says (around page 15) that a country/society cannot jump to that ideal. It must first have a period of despotism. I shook my head wildly at that, then felt happy because after all I have disagreement with Russell, then doubtful because I can't actually think of a reason against him, except that a) it's against my natural feeling that the world should not adopt a wrong method to a good end, b) if Russell is right, I am destinated to spend my life in despotism, which hurt my feelings.

I, am, a, firm, anarchist (for the time being). I do not support disorder. I support everyone should act according to his own choice.

Eiihh... I need to get a job to support an indenpendent life for myself first.

Much to update

2010-06-20T16:06:00.001+08:00

Yep I just checked, last post was a week ago before I went to see Barley. So there is much to catch up.

Let me see...
Barley on Saturday night
Disco Pigs on Sunday
Ondine on Sunday night
Too stressed on Monday that I lost temper(!)
Got lucky on Tuesday
Early flight to Hong Kong Wednesday morning
Met Yann and his friend
Met Thomas
Bought SFX and some Muse CDs
Visited Muji in HK
Bought an H2G2 book forworded by RTD
Went to Mika gig
Went to Hong Kong Ocean park
Boarded Star Ferry
Looked at Victoria Bay at night
Visited a new mall around the area of our hotel
Bought a banned-in-mainland novel and a Muse-cover mag in the airport
Flew back to Shanghai
Watched the Secret of Kells with my parents

===So...=
Barley on Saturday night
I love The Wind That Shakes the Barley. I cried my head off the first time I saw it. But I am more aware of its political stands. Teddy thought a truce with the British was something to be secured, at least for then. We have no reason to doubt his sincerity, but I don't think he feels as much for the poor Irish farmers as Demien. Demien thought the British represents the rich. The most memorable line was Demien said to his brother, "Do you remember our father? He was sacked by the factory because he was ill. He came home full of shame." That shouldn't be the fate of hard working ordinary men.

However, I don't think there is a clear line here. Even there was a democratic government among the Irish people, you can't change the fact that many people side with the rich.

I think that the political issue it raises only plays a very little part of what I love about this film. What really turns me on is the performance of the actor, and the Irish flavor. When they were captured by the British army, and Teddy tortured, everybody was in great pain. They decided to sing. I love that.

Disco Pigs on Sunday
Featuring a very young and pretty Cillian Murphy. Only the story failed to engage me.

Ondine on Sunday night
Lovely fantasy-larger-than-life film by Neil Jordan. Love it!! How nice to be married to an Irish fisherman with a cute little girl, to wash clothes in the montains and sing to the sea.

Too stressed on Monday that I lost temper(!)
I was tense before going onto my trip. Still research to do but work has left me no energy. I could only do passive things in my leisure time like watching films. So when Joseph phoned me to stress that I need to hurry up with work, I was cross. He asked me to finish before Monday's end, which I cannot promise. He embarked on enumerating various things I need to do and estimated that we could finish before end of day. Obviously he missed some steps. And it is much easier to say than to do. I am never naturally humbled by his abilities, so whenever he is in his commanding position I become resentful and morbid. I didn't care to explain to him why I can't do that. He questioned me various details about the work, which struck me as distrust as to my technical abilities. I took the offense, I told him I was trying my best, and I hung up the phone with an angry click.

I always feel this funny feeling after losing my temper. But now I know I need to undo what I have done in my bad temper to make myself feel better. I decided to apologise to Joseph. It was not because I feared to offend him.

Why did I apologise? Because I accept that work requires me to be cooperating. If I think his demand is not feasible, I need to let him know why, explain to him. I know in other companies there can be more unrealistic demands without the boss listening to your explaination. I know I was cross because I was angry, I had grudge as I have always have for the past year. I apologised because I knew that I was being a diva to allow my own discontent spilled out in such a twisted way.

I want to solve problems. I don't want these people to satisfy my emotion. Now I am strong to nurture my own emotion. It is foolish to rely on collegues.

Joseph's reply to my apology was gernerous, which caused envy in me. Oh my!! I used to feel so much same envy to Raymond. Now Joseph also. How much lower can I sink??!! I am not thinking too high of myself. But I just can't feel humbled by him.

Again, they can act generous because they have approval from D. I am not strong enough to thrive against D's judgement. That's why I suffer so much.

Do I really need to pivort my inner balance on someone's opinion? It's insecure to do that because that person can destroy your happiness and affect your daily life so much. But it's arrogant to only rely on your own judgement.

So what is the solution? No solution yet. Bear the cross for the time being. Maybe I need to shift my pivort from D to someone else. Before I find that next person I need to be humble and close myself from emotion.

Which reminds me of Power by Russell. He proposed that all co-operating relationship, enterprise, from a family, to co-workers and boss, to countries, are some sort of slave mentality. Normal person prefer to be 'slave' in some situation, and to be 'master' in others. When you think you could do better than others, you are apt to go for the commanding position.

I don't want to command in my current work. Because I resent co-working with these people. I don't want a relationship at all. So the solution is that I leave. I really need to do that soon. I do not believe in ill will. I'm just indifferent. (How can I say I am indifferent when I have so much morbid time and so much tears? Well I need to be indifferent. I think I tend to demand the best in everything. Being emotionally enthusiastic about work is perfect. But It seems I need to apply resigation here - Remember this!! let it sink into your thoughts!)

Got lucky on Tuesday
Actually I got lucky on Tuesday. I expected some failure but it didn't happen. Found more problems (I can't recall any details now, strange), proceeded with work. By the end of the day, the jobs are not run. But I don't have time and energy to monitor it anymore. I have a long day on Wednesday.

I so wished myself to be in a better state when I see Thomas and Mika. But... more resignation here. I barely slept for two nights before the event. But I managed. Asking too much for perfectness does harm. And I already had the perfect gig experience last November. I am content.

Getting the project released and validating and monitoring it for a while is my job responsbility. But due to bad luck and bad arrangement I couldn't do it in time. Should I allow it to affect my own schedule? I asked for leave for my trip to HK long time ago. I guess asking for understanding is the way out. But what if no understanding can be reached? I'm not saying that D wouldn't tolerate this, I'm just trying to face the fear of not being able to be tolerated. If Boss insists that I go on with work, what should I do?

Why do these people have such power over me?? I am just beginning to read Power. But I have a feeling that I already know I will totally believe Russell is right (which is actually a worrying thought because I don't want to agree with him on EVERYTHING!).

Early flight to Hong Kong Wednesday morning. Met Yann and his friend
I was paranoid before the trip! I was so afraid that some complication should happen to me and they would not be able to go to the show. I read hkticketing.com for instruction for someone else to collect the ticket - do I need to give my credit card to them? Oh I need to photocopy my credit card and my passport... Don't panic!!

To make things worse, I stood on the bus to the airport all the way. I was so tired! But I managed not to waste my energy worrying.

I met Yann for the first time in the airport. (Lucky I managed to persuade my parents not to see me off in the airport, they would be so worried if they knew this was my first time actually meeting my travel companion.) He turned out to be rather unlike what I imagined. I imagined him to be quiet and bookish. After I had the phone call with him I think he talked lovely and sounded boyish. But he turned out to be very tall in very casual clothes and not bookish at all. His manners were easy and pleasing, which I took a while to get used to. My circle of friends are not so easy. Thomas was very, very hard to get to, though he has very nice manners too, but his was with extreme politeness which always implies that the person inside is not easy at all. Yann turned out to be very nice and warm and easy without unnecerssary politeness. He has a slight quirky-ness. I think he is very lovely. He and his friend, a girl older than me, tall and skinny with a typical air of Shanghainess girl, talked Shanghai dialect, which is also something I can't get used to despite my being Shanghainess and living in this city all my life. But they were tolerable to my unwillingness to talk Shanghainess. The girl has a very casual manner, sometimes assuming, but she does not mean any rude-ness, it was just her manner of self-assurance. I think she is charming with that. I can never be like that. I am easily panicking.

Met T
The thing I most looked forward to was actually meeting Thomas, not the gig itself (so I decided not to rest in hotel before the show). We got off the plane, went to the hotel. The girl, Wang, was applying various cosmetic things and I was impatient. I had only one afternoon and one night with T, I wanted to win more time and see him soon. Finally we met. We had lunch and visited some stores. Bought SFX and some Muse CDs, Visited Muji, Bought an H2G2 book forworded by RTD. T joked about me going to the same places as last time.

Afterwards, Yann and Wang went to some shopping while I stayed with T in search of a place to sit and talk and rest before the show. We went to a Tom Lee to collect our tickets. I bought a songbook of the Capeman (!!). He bought a pair of drum sticks. (I imagine in an alternative life, we are a band! Oh don't allow yourself to indulge in that..)

After that, we sat in an Italian restaurant for hours. We talked. I was glad, this was my dream trip, not just shopping and meeting new things in new places, but meeting friend and have a bossom talk.

When I first knew him years ago, I was struck with crush because he was this pleasant but mysterious person of the opposite sex. As I know him more his mystics resolved gradually and he turned out to be very similar to myself. With my recent love of rock music and my recent change of view in work and life, I feel closer to him than before. And I still maintain my uniqueness from him, which is that I believe in possitivity, while I believe him to be pessimistic deep inside and easily yield to resignation. Actually now I come to think it, I think I feel closer to him than to anyone else. Not even Shane. I really enjoy this relationship (which is very rare for me) because we are close in some respect but we are not close in others. I cannot imagine myself to enjoy a relationship with someone with whom I am totally close.

Went to Mika gig
We went to the huge venue in Wanchai. Coming back to Hong Kong after a short 7 months, this show seemed a bit rushed. Or maybe it was just because of my current mood was way different than last time. The set list was very different than last time. And Mika changed arrangement of some of the songs that I couldn't recognize them when he was playing the intro.

My favourite of the night was Kick-Ass. Really love this song!!! I jumped and (must have) squeed like mad. But overall this gig lost its power of making me lose myself.

After the show, T decided to go with Yann's other friend. So a very sudden goodbye. I walked to the subway with Yann. He said he was exhausted. We sat in a McDonalds for a while. He is very easy. And we have topics to talk. We had talked about job on the plane. We talked about Doctor Who, which is the first thing that brought us together. We talked about TV shows. I don't know if it's because that I was more sure of myself or that he is very easy going, that when we were silent, I didn't feel awkward. I couldn't have a better travel companion.

We arrived in the hotel. I washed and read for a while and went to sleep.

Day 2: Went to Hong Kong Ocean park Boarded Star Ferry Looked at Victoria Bay at night
We got up quite late the next day. We ate a brief breakfast standing. Then we headed to the Ocean Park. Subway then bus. Theme park is out of my realm. I wouldn't have visited it if not with Yann and Wang. We boarded the cable car to up-hill. The view along the way is spectacular. Huge birds flew overhead, the sea dotted with small islands. The main exhibition attraction is the Atoll Reef. It was vastly impressive! The water tank they set up for the fishes is so huge. The world undersea is so surreal that it always takes my attention. We had McDonalds for lunch. The place was crowded but easy. I always get very anxious in Shanghai when trying to get meal in a crowded place. But in HK it was orderly and nice. After lunch we went to the dolphin show. It was impressive!! The music and the performance made me teary. After that we went to ride the Ferris Wheel. Yann insisted that he does not join potentially dangous activity. And the huge Wheel turned out to be the most dangous thing I can bear. For after that I agreed to join Wang and ride on a dangous Mine Train. Scared the hell out of me. I will never do that again!! We went to another exhibition and then ride on several stairs and came to the Flamingo Pond. Flamingos are elegant. Some pure white and some firery red.

We paid HKD$5 each to have our foutune told by 'La Bocca Della Verita'. I think it was strangely true. It says that I am hard-working. But if work without passion I would get very miserable. That I seek truth and prefer to be alone. It also says that I need to pay attention to details around me, which I know is what I am lacking. And my romance luck ranked 4/10, health 8/10, and my career 10/10. I would be very content if that is true. :)

Day 3
Got up on 7:00. I sat behind the curtains to read. And Wang was able to sleep 2 hours after I got up and made noises! We decided not to venture back into city and visited a new mall around the area of our hotel. The mall was mostly empty. I bought nothing. And after a lunch we went to the airport. Bought a banned-in-mainland novel and a Muse-cover mag in the airport. I was very tired.

Saturday
Watched the Secret of Kells with my parents. The film is beautiful!
Watched Bright Star in the evening.

phew such a long entry. Wonder if I will read it again?

Before going to see Barley

2010-06-12T19:49:00.001+08:00

Friday work was tiring. More complication. Not finished. Not sure I can finish before I leave for HK.

I walked to the subway station after work. But took to a sudden whim and went to 'my bench' again. Before the tranquilizing pond I opened the parcel from bookdepository.com. I thumbed thru the book Basic Writings of Bertrand Russell, and read the introduction. The intro was briefly on Russell and on the editors. I read Russell's introduction. It was a nice time. I think I'll go there often.

On Firday night I watched Vincent and the Doctor. It contains more sophisticated messages than I think appropriate for Doctor Who. But I love the message. The Doctor said, ' every life is a pile of good things and a pile of bad things. The good things does not lessen the bad things, nor the bad things darken the good things.' That IS exactly the deepest feeling I have in my adulthood so far. I am happier and sadder than I use to. The message it conveyed about art is also the one I have, that art is about happiness.

Today I have no work. I got up at 11:00. I wanted to plan my HK trip. But I ended up browsing douban and stuff. I researched the late movies I'm going to see in SIFF to see if I can catch subway afterwards.

I went to the swimming pool to find it closed. :(

It seems Thomas won't be able to join me in MIKA gig. I half blamed him because this event came in earlier than his business travel. He should have made arrangement. Now I have no one to rely on. I need to research for location of the venue, the ticket outlets, the cinemas, the movie schedule, the HMV stores, the bookstores... All right. But I do really want to see him!

Anyway I got this brief time in which I typed this. Now I'm off to the show of The Wind That Shakes the Barley, the first of the six movies I'm going to see. (Five of them are Irish.)

hopes and fears

2010-06-10T22:57:00.001+08:00

What do I think of yesterday's gathering?

It was the best bunch of people around. Best... in a sense. Some of them are rather narrow minded. But I'm being mean saying bad things about them.

It is a mirracle that such a circle exists. I am only on the edge of that group, being good friend with Shane and T, who are core people in the group. I do not share their passion for fantasy. But I really admire their love to Lord of the Rings and their openess within themselves.

I even made my efforts to form a group of Doctor Who lovers. Yesterdy they were talking about the early days of LOTRCN. The message board has been there for many years. Shane had been the key person there for 5+ years I think. But before her there were older stories even she didn't know. I think of our DWCN and imagine some day there can be a gathering like this, and I am there to tell our story...

Ten years ago (I estimate), when LOTRCN came into being, the best online community is a message board. When we created DWCN, I suggested a message board, but was dismissed and we are a blog now instead. I think this is very fine.

I think what is lacking now is a/several sociable key person, and an openess to other circles. LOTRCN is loosely associated with several other message boards, especially a fantasy site. I believe Star Wars cn board is another place to meet some of the people. But strangely I never felt at home over at SWCN. And I am not the key person that can associate people together. In LOTRCN they even know several people from the factory that manufactures liscenced official products. They are really capable people! Well! I don't mind if we are connected with LOTRCN! But that's very unlikely.

=======
My job today is not worse than I feared. At least there is not any silly mistake yet. I got into a relatively intense technical discussion. An I am consiously encouraging myself to be sporty and quirky. I really want my challenging spirit back. But I have so little confidence I can't be comfortable if not putting some crazy-ness into my way.

So oncall just phoned me to inform me of more errors. I've got work.

=======
I have been looking at data analyst/technical writer sort of job. But do I really want to do that? I would love to try something new. And after thinking about wanting to be 'key person' to create a lovely circle of friends like LOTRCN, I am even thinking of abandoning technical job at all! I need to train myself to be a more people person. Well I suppose jobs don't teach you that. And I can't learn to be people person when I am actually under pressure to be one. So I might stick to be a bad technical person. I only ask for some leisure and to be able to be economically independent, so that I can... start my life!!

I think the biggest obstacle to my being independent is my lazy-ness and my parents' objection. But I feel them to be weak and if I am strong I can manipulate them in believing I could be better in my own way.

Not easy indeed.

========
Oh I really need to think about my HK trip!!! I hope T will not be on trip! I really want to meet him and be with him in a gig again!!! Fingers crossed.

Yesterday they were talking about T. We all feel he has changed a lot over the years. While I love so much the him in the past (I only know that via his blog entries at that time), I still can understand why he is what he is now. I talked about that to him and I do not regret that he can't possibly change back. But I feel really sad that I even think such a grave thing is not to be talked about over a meal.

Off to bed. No staying late before the Mika event!

very brief

2010-06-09T23:48:00.001+08:00

I finished work today and headed off to the party.
Met so many people I only heard of online.

Going off to bed.
Tomorrow I have release to do.
I feel slightly funny after such an event.

daily blah

2010-06-08T22:24:00.001+08:00

--written at noon
Had a furious conversation with Mum this morning. I have no doubt of the contents of the conversation.
I am aware that my current negative view of the world has much to do with my own state. It's not surprising that one thing after another becomes negative. I wonder if it is possible that some day everything will go up better for me. Maybe I've had my share of positiveness - what I had known has been profound indeed.

After the furious remarks from Mum, the first thing that popped up in my mind was last week's Doctor Who. In my short review of The Hungry Earth and Cold Blood I wrote, "The worst of human nature was induced by insecurity. Nothing but being good, showing positiveness can help." I have known it for years (ever since Capeman and Les Miserables). But I'm just beginning to really feel I could do it.

Another thing:
I was struck by Raymond's email just now. He stated his opinion and added "any challenge is welcomed".
Which reminds me of my deepest loss of the recent two years. I don't have the mind to challenge anymore. I don't play sports. I care too much about losing.
I'm crying my eyes out now. What did I say about no agony like spasm? And it's near work time. Genuine panic!

===written in the night:
About the morbid time I promised to tell yesterday: I was angry at some passer by when going home. I wished someone to save me. My friends can.

I had the best sleep in ages. I can't remotely remember last time I slept for 8+ hours. But my back feels funny today. I can't possible break it! Not so close before MIKA gig.

I plan to keep it. I'm going to bed soon and read some pages of Hyperion. I had been interested in the current story of the detective and the AI. I don't mind if they have a romantic plot. But last night I hit the sudden sex, and the translation is so lame, it was a big turn off for me.

Today I was engaged in the current project. Hopefully I can finish it soon. I don't want to stay late tomorrow because I have that party! I feel a bit nervous. I will leave for home soon because I have work to do.

I just read job ad today. What do I have in me to sell for a living? I need to go to an international company. Chinese run company will suffocate me. I am not technical, I am not sociable...

I can easily sink into morbid!

I have more time on my hands everyday now I don't have piano session. I will utilize these two weeks well!

restless

2010-06-07T20:29:00.000+08:00

Yes I've been restless for months now.
Today I carry a headache for most of the day.
Thank god they postponed the impossible project.
Chatted with Thomas on and off for most of the day.
I want to concentrate.
I'm going off to bed. Do some reading and fall asleep.

Oh I was morbid this afternoon. I'll tell later.

A Full Weekend

2010-06-06T23:53:00.001+08:00

Don't think I have written for yesterday. So here it goes.

Friday night was morbid. But I still had zest for the Film Festival. I got up at 9:00 and went to buy tickets for FF. The experience was bad. The place was a mess... blah blah blah...

I came home rather tired. After lunch and washing up, I went to have my hair cut. I went to another Jeans Salon because all the staff in the nearest one did me and I don't like any of them. I ended up having a senior hair styler. I actually just want a short hair, plain and natural. I don't want to impress anybody with my hair. But hair stylers always look at a picture from a fashion mag and try to do that. I told him I am no model. They don't understand! Those young men came to Shanghai, had training as hair styler, and they don't have other things in their lifes, so all they think is to look like a model in a fashion mag. I happen to dislike local fashion mags. If anyone could style my hair into Carey Mulligan, I would gladly let him. But chances are they don't hear of her, and I don't have the looks of hers.

The hair came out nicely. Very short. I quite like it.

I came home even more tired. I planned to play piano. But only managed to play very briefly. And my cousin came again. She does not came for the company of any of my family. She came so that she could use Dad's PC to play flash games online. Nobody, my Mum, Dad or her Mum think it bad for a teenage girl to pass her time like this. Actually my parents only care for her to eat well and appear happy. I have no paticular regard for my cousin, but I do feel pity.

I watched Doctor Who after dinner. To my surprise, The Hungry Earth and Cold Blood are quite good. But maybe I should admit once and for all that my beloved modern DW is gone with RTD. The new DW is quite slow and 'grand' in a classical sense.

I love the story when it came to 'insecurity brings out dark side of humanity'. I even cried till I had a headache.

I think Rory will come back and become part of the Doctor mending the crack for Amy, which seems to be the centre story arc in S5.

====today
I had piano lesson today. Then I will skip lesson for two weeks.
I saw S at the end of the class. I find myself think little of him today.

On my way back home I wished to buy a present for Luinardir and Nimloth who came over to Shanghai. L bought me Hyperion, I wanted to give him something back. I wandered the new bookstore near my home. It was bigger than I expected. I found some translated Russell books. I wanted to give them books. But nothing seems appropriate. They read much more Sci-fi and Fantasy than I. I wanted to give them Selected Papers of Bertrand Russell but I am not sure they will read it. So I ended up buying it and another Russell for myself. And went to another store and bought two pairs of sports socks for them! What a weired gift it must seem to them. But anyway, you can't have too many socks.

I came home. Had lunch with Grandpa. After lunch and washing up, I read some updates of friends. I uploaded some new Matt Smith pictures to my gallery in douban. I decided to create a douban gallery for Karen Gillian as well! I think I had some sexual dreams of her this morning. She is too sexy!! Then I read some blog updates and it was time I went to meet L, N and Shane. This was the first time I see L and N in person. L is much larger than I expected. He is talkative. He feels very comfortable cracking jokes about Sci-fi. (While I always feel a shy about referencing H2G2 in conversation even with those people I know to read it.) On the other hand, N is much smaller than average boy, and slightly shy. After dinner we went in search of a place to buy Expo admittance ticket with student discount, but failed.

Some of other online friends are coming to Expo too. There will be a large gathering this Wednesday. I look forward to seeing Huaxiren particularly.

I came home late. I hopped online in hope of do some research for my job. But I was engaged in chat. Some old talk with Thomas. Some words with Shane. And a long conversation with 19d. I think I like her more and envy her more. But I am not capable of any negative feeling towards her because I so feel that I can relate to her.

Did some research after all. No time to record them. (How out of proportion I am! Job must be higher priority!)

Tommorrow will be a big day. Two releases! One of them is not ready for release! Duh! I hope they postpone release. Otherwise I will be totally crazy.

Off to bed and dream of Karen!! :P

FML!

2010-06-05T14:08:00.001+08:00

Actually, not that bad.

I was totally engaged in the rushing project for the whole day that I didn't have time for my daily apple. The project was rushed to such an incredible point (2 days!) that I wonder if this is time that I should say no. I can totally imagine D to say in a incredulous tone, "how could we do that? do they really need to have a product that we can't possibly garantee its quality?" But I can also easily imagine him to say, "this is really straight forward thing with no complication and you are familiar with it, do you? We can do it but let them know that we can't promise quality." I don't know what is right or wrong.

So I worked late. Everybody else had left, only me in the office. I don't have mind for this job anymore, so why should I be the one who work late? When ebay pushed this job to us, we argued but we accepted. But I can't imagine the other way round. When I accepted this, I said I could do 35 tables in 5 days with a develop environment already set up. But now they took out the test part of the job, and shrank it into 2 days, without DEV env. Should I allow a job to end up like this? If I don't, how to say no?

A working spirit should be constructive and reasonable for all parties. Merely pressing myself is not correct.

Anyways, I had an emotional breakdown last night. It was as bad as it could be nowadays - I don't depress and cry like having spasm recently. I used to have no power at all against sudden agony, and cried untill I was too tired. I think I have grown out of that now. I left office, leaving a bundle of work for Monday. I walked to the ZJ art museum park and sat on 'my bench' for half an hour while it rained. On my way there I fought my tears, thinking there will be time for tears when I got to the bench. But when I was actually there, sitting on the bench, in the rain, watching the little pond in front of me, the fish excited maybe because of the rain, the dark cloud and white cloud and even crimson sunlit cloud moving overhead, I felt calm. I ate my apple. I was not better, just calm. The bitterness sank deeper so I felt calm.

I think if I went straight home, it would be worse. Sometimes I go home in agony. I pick up fight with people walking by (shame shame shame shame!). "Men take their work pressure home and ruin his family life." I used to have trouble understanding that. Now I know it does happen.

I came home, Mum made noodles for me. I had dinner alone, with Hyperion. I think I love that book. But the translation is driving me mad. Yes it's a quest for ultimate questions, like God. So first there is the story of the clergyman. Then is the soldier, his God is expressed through physical love. Then it's the poet, his story is about art and destruction. Then it's the scholar and his love for his family and daughter. Now it's the detective, I think it's about artificial intellegence!! The detective even has a friend who 'plugs himself to data plane', how Matrix can it be?

I decided to see 6 movies in this film festival. Last year they had Danny Boyle, this year they have a Irish Film week. They know how to interest me! I'm going to see these:

6/12 21:00 国泰 The Wind That Shakes the Barleys
 6/13 13:30 影城 Disco Pigs
6/13 21:00 和平 Ondine
6/19 13:00 万裕 The Secret of Kells
6/19 18:45 大光明 Bright Star
6/20 21:00 环艺 Once

The schedule is rather tight. I would like to see movie in bigger intervals! (I will also have new Doctor Who to watch!) I will skip piano lesson for two weeks

All right! I genuinely panicked!!!

2010-06-03T23:50:00.001+08:00

But why?

Daily Sum-up thing:
1. Work!
The staggeringly tight project did the most impossible thing: it shrank in timeline! Can't believe it. Can't think of why a project can come to this. It was postponed for many weeks because of a server setting up thing. Now when it is actually into the hands of a developer, she has 2 days. Of course I don't have time to test. I don't even have a smooth dev env to run and to work on. And the amount of code is staggeringly huge. I have finished creating them today though. But nowhere to run them on.

I had my system re-installed because of instable new MS Office installation.
When the IT girl came at about 15:10, she was ready to finish today's work. I am in a habit of agreeing people. So only after she left me and told me she will do more installation tommorrow, do I realize that I wished to know why she can't finish her work today. Anyway I expect she will come to office later than me tommorrow. So maybe I should phone IT tommorrow morning to demand someone to help my desktop. Or I shall sit idle. What an embarrassing morning it will be!

I asked Raymond if I could use a computer. His reply was rude as if I had done something wrong. I imagine he is just worried about my tight project. Why should I be so prone to sense of guilty. It's so not fair. In our team nobody takes care of such things. It make you frustrated.

======
I am having a slight Paul Simon fever. Love RotS!!!!!!!
======
Skipped my piano session today in hope of sleep early. But in vain.

I am so lost trying to find a job. I don't know anything about the job except what I want, and yet I don't know if I should be demanding them: some leisure, some income to set me up for independent living, a friendly environment. I think I secretly, subcounsciously blame D and G for my current state. (You just can't admit you are dumb, can you??) Ok I am dumb, I am slow. But I still need leisure and income and friendly environment. Yes yes, when I try to find this job I need to start humble. And I need to be in a place where I can most easily feel humble.

So emotionally unsatisfied!

=========
I haven't slept well for months. I try not to worry about it.
When I got up early this morning, I suddenly realized that the MIKA concert is near and I need to be in good health to travel and enjoy it. I so want myself to be in its best form when I see Mika again.

Off to bed.
I don't expect to have a good sleep.
But
Don't panic.

Don't want to give this daily sum-up up

2010-06-02T23:17:00.001+08:00

I don't want to give up this. But not in a mood to tell.

Work:
In a state of transition from one project to another. The next project is staggeringly tight. Looks like challenging. And I hope my distracted state of mind will cease to be.
I was half hoping this project to be my last. After that I go on a trip and leave out team. But I cannot bring myself to do job hunting. I'm too sensitive. Maybe that's just tired talking.

Piano Thing:
Not much/any progress.
My tutor told me that I should not rush. Piano playing skills actually come gradually. I think she's right. But I don't see any harm taking on a more initiative attitude.
But I am so not in the mood. So restless!
But I shouldn't give myself too much tension, feel too much guilty - that would make me even more restless.

I browsed thru my old mobile in restlessness and boredom, and found the piece of music I ripped from Neck of My Guitar years ago (the website has been blocked by GFW for a while). It was Under African Skies from Graceland. And I still love it so emotionally! After Paul Simon I listened to little pop music untill last year I started listening to Mika (then GaGa, Muse and others). Since last time I was into Paul Simon, I feel so different. I started playing piano, I discovered Bach. Yet listening to Graceland and be Still Crazy After All These Years! I took out the CDs and put Graceland and RotS to my ipod.

Muse's Piano Thing has been in my ears today.
I started listening to the Chopin 200 years tribute CD today (and after that I keep hearing Piano Thing in my head). There is this Mazurka (Op.50-3). I immediately made out the Fugue like pattern. Now I know the feeling of not be able to connect with a piece of classical music, while fans can: Classical music fans can make out things so they are happy listening. I think real ones can hear arpeggios, repeating patterns and chords! Oh I can imagine how much fun you can have if you can make out the chords on hearing!!! I read that as a little boy Glenn Gould plays a game with her mother: She pressed a chord while he was in another room and then he came back and tell her. I wish I could do that!

Oh I'm just a jobless restless worthless piece of junk.

I look forward to receiving my order of 3 books from Book Depository! Yes!
I need a more relaxed life - more time for piano, music and Russell and many others! Don't tell me those activities are worthless if I don't pursue them in a traditional way (ie going to school?) or 'corporation' way. I am miserable without them.

Account of yesterday

2010-06-02T14:02:00.001+08:00

I do not know at all why I didn't do the daily sum up yesterday. It was simply not on my mind at all.

Now I think of it, I can remember being very emotional when I read the thread on douban posted by a Matt-Smith-abuser! All fans can see something unpleasant about 11's character, but to blame it on Matt is so unfair. She also claimed the majority of DW fans share her hatred of Matt. Every fan site, media, interview of actors and crew of the new I read DW praises Matt. I immediately replied to point out those. I was engaged in this argument for the whole lunch time and some afternoon time.

Piano Thing:
Scales and Fingering: skipped. :(
Czerny 849: better. I love D major. Aware of a chord shift in left hand that I can't do without turning whole attention into it.
Czerny 718: the arpeggios in left hand is fairly easy, but the melody in right hand requires too much attention.
Chopin: playing, enjoying, but not much thought. Still warming up this song.
Bach: theme notes come and go. Maybe I can play left hand only. Maybe I should proceed with reading the rest part.

That Thing:
I searched again and this time few new entries appeared. So I was able to catch up some of the left overs. I'd like to have a better idea of all these before taking action.

I just replied 19d her distress email about the Matt abuse thing.. I find myself talking about all things. I told her that while angry I think of DNA. Who besides her can I say those to? No one else would understand! That feels very surreal.
Actually I expect her to be quite different from me. She is so much younger than me. Better family judging from what she said about her dad. She knows a lot of things I only know in recent years. She loves a lot of things I only discovered and cherish in recently years. I think of Guardian, who is younger than me and had expressed that she 'looked up to me'. I try my best to tell her the most important revelations I have when she appears to have the need (aka complaining). But I don't expect she can realize positiveness I wish to convey. But I'm having a feeling that 19d can. I expect her to be much better than I am now when she is of my age. But I don't bear any ill thoughts at that. I feel we are related. That must be similar to the feeling of a child.

Second wave!

2010-05-31T23:51:00.001+08:00

I have dark eye bags! Result of months of restless sleep.

The challenge about job hunting is gathering information. And the choices you make can affect your life greatly. So just after a inspecting a few positions I was exhausted, and with a knowledge that I haven't gathered enough information.

I need to not allow myself to be distracted. And maybe change my approach in digesting the information.

======
And I hate the feeling that I need to be in a better state to do things - start processing job information, start learning German, start writing my essays, start reading Russell... I am used to letting the thing itself carry me away. But most of the times, they can't when I don't make effort.

That is caused by a spoiled tendency of wanting perfectness. I can do without that!

======
I've been reading Dan Simmons' Hyperion. My friend gave it to me. I had expected it to be an easy reading, a massive space opera. But it's not. It has sooooooo much ambition.

Right now the story can't carry me away (especially with the poor translation...). Though I can see I can be genuinelly concerned about this world Simmons created. But recently my mind is pre-occupied and restless, and the translation made it even harder for me to get into the story...

start

2010-05-31T22:31:00.001+08:00

How hard it is to really start?

Piano thing:
Scales etc.: E major, easy
Hanon, Schmitt: skipped a little
Czerny 849: I usually have the music memorized and then play, but my tutor said that makes me look at my fingers while playing. So I'm trying to feel the keys instead of looking at them. And I still can't read sheet quick enough to read while playing.
Czerny 718: boring boring boring!
Chopin 9-2: trying to memorize the final part. I understand that if I could play certain effects without the damp pedal, it would be helpful since my aim is to play Bach eventually. I want to give my fingers more flexibility. But other than that, I don't see any point in playing Chopin without pedal. I enjoy playing this song though!
Bach: Trying to make the theme come and go one by one naturally. It is most hard when the theme is on the left hand, while the right hand draws a lot of my attention.

I closed the piano lid and turned on the computer. I said to myself, if I was to do this, let me do it systematically.

OK.
I didn't start until now.
Let me start.

piano and Russell

2010-05-30T22:53:00.001+08:00

I am in a habit of cramming more plan for activities into my time.
Though theoretically the plans can work. But if allowed more time I can perform better and with more enjoyment.

I got up at 8:15, having slept 8 hours. I hushed breakfast and got to my emergency piano session. Then I hopped off to my lesson. My tutor seemed 2 times more serious and committed to the lesson because I her new pupil S will be there later. I think she was preparing herself to be more professional.

S came and sat for the last minutes of my lesson. Afterwards we talked about his plans. I realized that I took a lot of advantage of my being local. S's southern accent is very obvious. And my tutor, being the daughter of my Mum's friend, is a total local girl just like me. I think S's behaviour was humble and just. Though I'm a little unsure if he is prepared for the vast time to be invested into piano playing. I expect he will encounter much more difficulty than I did in the past three years because unlike me, he is starting from the beginning. I do not know him enough to judge if he can study with diligence, patience and passion, that's how I feel about piano.

Before I left home I told Dad that I might not be home for lunch. I was expecting S to ask me for lunch. But he had business. I am not disappointed because I do not wish to advance with him quickly. When he told my tutor that he has a female friend who also need piano lesson, I found myself pondering at what kind of friend could she be. Maybe someone from hometown. I do not feel inferior to any girl that he can produce. :)

Well I am not going to think of him as a potential romance interest. At least not just yet.

So he didn't invite me to lunch. I relaxed a little and visit the new shopping malls in the area. I ended up buying a hat from MUJI, which is costly!

After lunch I decided to go out to Fuzhou RD to visit some bookstores. I need to buy 2 more books of music since I'm finishing my current Czerny and Bach. I ended up buying only Czerny because the other one is not available. But I managed to order online.

Another object on mind was to find a Russell book to give to Georgia and boss as a parting gift. I admired again the 'Russell Corner' at SBT. I was pleased to find my 'Russell Corner' was still there. And the new edition of H2G2 was still beside them. (I'm attaching a picture and see how it works... Oh I can't see into even in Google Reader!)

I had half wanted to buy The Basic Writings of Bertrand Russell. But the book was not there. I looked at Bertrand Russell's Best edited by the same person, but I was horrified! I hate to see pieces chopped to pieces! I was expecting a book of selected essays. But the book seems to have a tiny paragrah from an essay a time.

I came home and was exhausted. I wanted to think while I was on my way. But I was listening to Muse all the time. I tried to have a look at this week's piano assignment, but too tired. So I slept for an hour!

After dinner I was still tired. But I managed to get online and ordered the sheet music from amazon.cn, along with Russell's Power. I read some preview of Bertrand Russell's Best and was generally satisfied.

But the problem is, I should be giving a book of Russell's that I read and feel very much! I found my reading so very limited. I considered the books I read: Conquest of Happiness is too personal, and concerning only individual. I don't think G and D are miserable like me to need this book. Autobiography is comprehensive and impressive, if they didn't read Russell, why should they read his autobiography? In Praise of Idleness is... good! But I don't want to leave them thinking it is the only part of Russell. I think BR's classical / academic knowledge helps so much his arguments about contemporary issues. I wish them to know Russell as a whole.

So after that, there is not muc time. I sat and typed this. I didn't do any job hunting today!

know thyself

2010-05-30T00:04:00.001+08:00

Slept late, woke up early. I read Stuff in bed. Got out at 9:30. Played the piano. Watched Twilight to see Muse song in it.

I kind of just let today go by itself. But I have been restless.

Yes! A revelation:
I like playing piano because it makes me focus. I could start with a feeling of anticipation. But when I'm tired, I just press the keys and am not satisfied.

And a confession:
My aunt came over today.
Funny only yesterday I seem to have this most possitive feeling, but today.
Aunt bought some drinks on her way. I didn't hear her arrive. But my cousin broke into my room and said, "come out". I felt repulsive to the command. But I still wanted to play charm. So I said with a smile that I wouldn't obey a command. She didn't get it and insisted in a commanding tone. I instinctively took on the method that I would use at work: I demanded to know why. She said there are drinks outside. I said I would come out later. She left the room with the door open. I finished the song and wondered how to make her understand that I do not stop at the middle of a song for a drink. I didn't want a drink. I closed the door in frustration. I decided to drop the matter and let them forget.

Then, for several times my aunt interupted me to push the drink into me. I could not maintain anycharm. I told her I didn't want a drink. And I, ......... I shut the door in front of her!!!!!!!

I couldn't believe I did such a rude thing.

I spent the rest of the evening wondering if I should apologise.
I didn't.
I don't know if its right.
Chances are that they have forgotten about this by now. My aunt does not think too much of herself and can take rudeness.

I looked at my reflection in the lid of the piano, and thought, I am not really a bad person, I wouldn't take any advantage of her for my own benefit. People can rely upon my being fair and respectiful. But not my kindness. A reliable persion with intergrity. And a mature person should know herself and admit her own drawbacks with fairness. And demand others when it can be deemed just, however 'just' depends on the perspective. I think I know about my perspective enough to defend it mildly.

So, this incident is not really getting me down.

To bed.
Not much plan for tommorrow.
Try to relax.

What a long entry! I wish email post could use tag

2010-05-29T00:57:00.001+08:00

Oww I'm sitting here typing my daily summing up.
I had a review meeting this morning. Before that I had no mind to do anything else. After that there was not much time for performance test.

I got out of office at lunch time. I planned to sit for a long lunch, prepare some of my questions before going to the interview. But the place was busy and I feel guilty to occupy a seat when I ate everything in my plate. So I got up to the subway. I arrived got out of Lujiazui station at 12:30, 1.5 hours before the appointed time. I went into MUJI because that was the only thing I could think of to pass some time. I was surprised that the skin care stuff finally appears in mainland shop. So I won't be buying them from HK this June.

I was nervous about the interview. I came out of MUJI and still had much time. I sat on a bench in the shopping mall when a boy came to ask me to do a questionaire for him. I did. And I did something I don't normally do: I pointed at the Fudan logo in the page and said, "Oh you are from Fudan!"

After this matter was done. I considered some things I wanted to know about the company. I vaguely expected some test on my technical knowledge. But I don't care enough about this company to prepare anything.

The interview was conducted by a project manager. And the interview consisted of almost entirely inspection on my SQL knowledge because that's what the team wanted to make sure. I think the manager is very confident about himself. I think he made up the question almost on spot. There was one aggregate SQL I think he had wrong idea. I gave an answer and he agreed. Then I protested and said that I was wrong. There was no time to ponder at this question. I think (just think) that he made up the next question to beat me because he had doubt about the previous question. It was a recursive SQL. I explained the logic. But I never used recursive SQL. After that there was some easy questions. He concluded that I'm good at SQL but not good at Oracle.

I wanted to ask my questions but decided not to. Because I'm not going to accept this offer if there is one. I agreed on an interview because I half wanted to get myself used to an interview, and the HR was insisting.

Looking at the cubicles in their office, I almost felt sorry for them. And my grudge to our team almost dessolved into guilty. (I am most capable of these negative emotions!) How things that happens to you changes the way you perceive this world! My life practicly didn't change since those period when I cried my eyes out every day. What happened in between?? I had much contemplation (though I haven't written down the most important part), I wrote a song (!), I didn't read much...

I came home at about 15:30. I went to the swimming pool to find it not open until 17:00. I came back home and chatted with Shane and Thomas. T seemed to be distressed as he has been recently. I headed to the pool before 17:00, swam 350 meters and came back. After dinner I got out again and went to a harp reciting by the Dutch harpest Lavinia Meijer. I'm glad that my friends asked me to go. I read on wiki that she had recorded Bach's WTC, and highly expected her to play one at the reciting. But she didn't. There was a Scarlatti piece, and a piece from another composer that I heard of. Apart from these two, there were pieces from compsers of very different eras. I think I can make out modern composers by their use of key shifts. There was a piece titled Bugs by a Britain composer, which starts jazz like, and had much comic effect. The harpest was kind to explain her instrument to us. A harp has 47 strings, and 7 pedals. By applying pedals, a string can have 3 different pitches. And you play harp with your 8 fingers and your feet. I think harp sounds similar to piano. It's not as heavy and powerful as a piano can be, but it can sound more subtle than piano.

I am glad to meet this circle of friends who I scarcely knew before, TT, who I saw movies with for many times and some other occasions, today I got to know that he is older than us and he could speak a little German. I saw Yang last year at the Film festival. He is a lively guy. I'm surprised that he knew me. He asked me about Doctor Who! I felt like that I'm so egoistic that I don't care to know about other people. There is another girl who is Xun's friend... After we are back home and online, a familiar ID said things about the harp performance. Then I realized that she is this person. She is not what I expected. I felt insecure in front of her so I never ventured to get to know her. But in reality, she is such a quiet girl.

I came home late and exhausted. A neighbour was holding a dog in her arms. I opened door for her. Then I did another unlikely thing! I asked her about the breed of the dog. (Oh I forgot to mention - in the changing room of the swimming pool, an old woman was helping a little girl, who I expect to be her granddaughter. I told them I think the little girl had great hair.) I almost can't believe what I was doing.

I has always dislike talking to people unnecerssarily. I wanted everybody to mind their own business. Georgia had said to me, 'being a women you can be nice and caring to people!' She talked like that is a previlage! I must admit that I sort of looked down on her a bit for that. What is changing me?? Now I totally feel that such little exchange (maybe not enough caring as Georgia meant) can leave every part in a friendly mood, and I think that is very important in this misery-prone world!

This change had come/is coming slowly. I think I first came to it by counscious thinking. At first I only vaguely and slightly felt it. But since this became an object of contemplation I can see it in a lot of things: I can be inspired by the freely possitive Mika performance, I can see it from books I'm reading, I can see it everywhere... But I was insecure (yes much misery was caused by this). In today's harp recitation, I said a mean thing about the interpreter. She was messing up the her job and produced many errors. Afterwards, TT said that he thought the other staff was teasing the girl, and hence produced this aweful result. The way that he said this made me ashamed. Now I come to think about it, I think it was caused subcounsciously by my feeling of inferoity - I fear that people would say I don't understand English!

That was a long description about today...

======
I missed something important in previous entry.

I watched the Organist Ma Hui Yuan on douban for a long time. I love her writings about music. I came to know that she actually works as a programmer. There was once she recommended a blog to the people who watch her. It can be seen from the blog entries that the blogger lives a quiet life and works as a programmer and (only starting to) plays the piano and loves Bach. Ma Hui Yuan was to perform in Shenzhen soon. When I saw this news I was strongly reminded of the perfect life in my mind: to work and support myself as a programmer (I'm not actually one though) and listen and love and play and study Bach with the rest of your life. In my case I need other hobbies, but Bach is certainly a very important part of them.

======
I got 19's postcard from Canberra. She (looks like casually) wrote, "I'm glad to have known you. I have learned much from you." I genuinely feel that she means what she wrote. Yet I honestly can't think anything in me to be learned from by her. (That is not as fake as it sounds! That is so true!) I am very touched by this. I remeber I told her (to make her feel better when she wrote a depressing blog entry) that I think she is not like ordinary people in our society, she is inspired. She replied that if she was inspired then I was inspiring. <-- THAT is THE BEST THING that has been ever ever ever ever ever said about me!!!

Now I've put so many thoughts in this entry, I began to see some connection I didn't see before. What 19 said about me must have influenced me to be nicer and more open to people!

And another thing...!
On my way to my lunch today, I knew the name of a song I'm going to write!!!!!!!
It shall be...

Don't Cry for Me If I Should Die

It's not about wanting to die. If some accident happened to me now I could be modestly satisfied with my life.
I think I'm going to write the lyrics first.
I can't use C minor again this time. It should be in a major key. The song should go with the lyrics.

cramped

2010-05-27T23:26:00.001+08:00

I need more than one lifetime! I need 48 hours a day!

OK. First about work. Not much done. Proceeded to finishing coding. And almost finished test. Recently I'm quite distracted at work. I must not let it affect my quality.

Piano Thing!
I decide to report every day the status of every piece I'm playing...
Scales and chords and arpeggios: good!
Hanon and Schmitt: I skipped two times this week. But not too bad.
Czerny 849: 1) while doing left hand arpeggios, can't shift right hand in time; 2) switching to a chord... can't play smoothly; 3) in the last section, can't switch chords swiftly. Need to play these parts more.
Czerny 718: I am still very unfamiliar with this score, though not difficult. consists of too many similar chord shifts.
Bach BWV 899 prelude: Can play first part fairly easily now. Starting to read second half.
Chopin Nocturne Op 9-2: Can vaguely memorize the last part. But not good enough to play thru.

Tommorrow afternoon I will be going to this job interview. It looks to me that this is not good enough. Many negative review of it. I will treat tommorrow afternoon as a little holiday. Maybe I can arrive home early enough and off to swim. I'm not too looking forward to seeing 'The Hungry Earth' now. Maybe I will watch it with the second one of the two parter.

But I really should be sending out my resume soon...

new member, job opportunity, and limited energy

2010-05-26T22:40:00.001+08:00

Today, I did little work. But it looks like the suspended decision is made. So I'll confirm about this and proceed.

I had another call from the company last week. They are still interested in me though I don't think the job is right. I will go and have a look there this Friday. I don't think I will be working there. It seems to me that I can't consider it an upgrade.

I was contacted by Lennon to join DWCN today. The pet Doctor Who society that I started a year ago. I am quite aimlessly about it. And I don't have much time or energy for it. We had 2 more members this year. Since I was its creator, and initiator, I need to do something to manage this little group. I'm have some relevation about this, too! :)

After I wrote the email announcing our new member I felt tired. So piano session was brief.

I have two new messages in my inbox. I expect they will be from Lennon. I will deal with them and go to bed.

catching up summing up

2010-05-26T09:09:00.001+08:00

Didn't do much work yesterday. Always feel wretchedly guilty about that. The project was pending on some thinking of some clever method to work out a problem. I can hardly bring myself around to think about that either. I hardly have enough information. And it's, strictly saying, not my responsibility. Which brings about a dilemma I always feel confusing: If you are not capable of performing some job, then for the sake of being responsible to the project / sponsor / boss, you should not attempt to interfere decision making; But if you always do what you can do, then where is the hope in life that someday you will be better than what you are now?

Now I come to think that, I feel I am much dependent on the prospect of getting better, more capable, wiser, more knowledgeable... (the thought that life could be better, is woven in--ly, into our hearts and brains - Train in the Distance, Paul Simon) If I were deprived of that, life would be unbearable.

And what do I value to be 'better'? I'm constantly working on that, revising my definition of better. Is it to be more skillful in piano playing? Or understanding more about music? Is it to be more capable than other people, or to get better with other people? Is it to understand more technical things and write better code, or to work more efficiently with good planning? Typing them out makes the choices obvious.

The 400 meters on Sunday is still paining my limbs. When I retired to my piano last night, I couldn't work on new pieces. I played this week's Bach part and gave up. I typed about Muse and Absolution. I had thought it would be easy, because I have so much to say. But actually when typing, I still had to press myself. When it was done I was so tired. I instinctively turned off the computer when I realized that I had not done my daily sum up. And here it is.

blackholes and revelations

2010-05-24T23:50:00.001+08:00

Today for the most of the morning I was absent-minded. I wanted to dive into Muse! Or do some of my own things constructively, like the long overdue essay about In Praise of Idleness and feminism. I was struck with panic when I deleted my Office 2007 pack in my computer. I couldn't restore it. I hope the scheduled update will enforce it to be re-installed. Why don't I call IT right away. I'm a coward. Then I carried a slight headache for most of the afternoon. But the working day ended with a warm discussion with Raymond, John and Tom about precision and datatype. I feel that I counsciously encourage myself to indulge into such efforts, just like I encouraged myself to be maniac when I see the chance.

I DO WANT IT BACK! I mean the sporty spirit. I think braveness should always be mixed with humbleness. Yes! I must have thought that for ages! But writing it down helps me think more clearly I think.

I got another call from a slightly bigger company. The specific position is not ideal. But I hope they have more choices for me. I'm not in a hurry to accept a job. Let me think about what I look for in a job again:
1) to support myself, making myself economically indenpendent, as well as support my luxurious hobbies. I expect I will have little spare money to save. But I need an indenpendent life to ... pursue my reading and music. (yeah I'm still dreaming about taking on music more seriously)
2) to be working with good people. I don't expect they can be as good as my current collegues. But they can be more mature, induce less feeling of guilty when I don't admit that job is my main aim in life. (What is it then? Why aren't you doing it? Oh shut up!)
3) if I may ask... Leisure time so that I could be playing music. But working in IT I think it might be too much to ask.

I met Annie after work. She came to renew her membership at the gym, as well as fetch a book about mechanics from me. (Yes I enjoy helping people now! I introduced my piano tutor to S today.) Alex was with us too. And she kept talking about her (now-ex-) boyfriend! I think it's the first time she talked about it to Alex? (BTW I have sexual fancies about Alex, and the afore mentioned John, too. Shameless!)

I can't keep off my mind about S. I think we like each other. But... I'm not a conventional girl who wants a boyfriend to form a family, which I expect would be what he is looking for in a girl. So. I won't indulge myself on that.

piano, swimming and church

2010-05-23T22:21:00.001+08:00

Slept badly as usual. And went to piano lesson. It was not as bad as I feared. Hurried back to have a rest before going swimming. When lunch time arrived, Mum and Dad both disappeared. I had to fix lunch for myself. I read the introduction to Pride and Prejudice. Then I went to the swimming pool. When I saw S in swimming suit, my mind was full of sexual thoughts. I swam for 400 meters. After that I walked him to subway station, declined his suggestion of a drink. We talked about swimming and piano and work and some of our mutrual friends. When I came back from swimming, Mum has gone to her party. I tried to play piano but I was tired. So I played something I knew. Eventually I recorded a demo of Chopin Op9-2. I got online and found Thomas in a low state. I had a brief dinner and walked for an hour to church. The Missah was quite dull. The music was very simple. But the people there sang beautifully. A woman read something from some holy book, I found her speech dullest part of the night. I can't possibly feel humble at such speech. Jill was considerate enough to introduce a friend to me so that I could have companion. The friend turned out to be a Christian. She plays piano. I told her I loved Bach, but rang no bell. We had some brief conversation. I always feel that they were trying to preach me. But they may not, and I am struck with guilty at the thought. At last they were Christianed. And the Christian gang went somewhere to sit and have a drink while I came home. I got online and found T in a lower state.

It has been a busy schedule for me today. And I took the trouble of planning. I should take more initiative and be more efficient with my life.

Weekend activity... Need time to think and write like this...

2010-05-22T23:42:00.001+08:00

Last night was restless and slept little. I awoke early today but
stayed in bed, read a few pages of P&P. I had planned to get up early
and before leaving home to meet Annie play piano for an hour. But
since I slept late and woke up early, I skipped that part of plan and
stayed in bed for hours in hope of getting more sleep. I got about 30
min's sleep as a result.

I dreaded going to meet her because of the effort I needed to be nice,
to appear interested. But when I actually met her I felt my efforts to
appear lively came out quite naturally. Shopping with Annie is
tiresome as always. She inspects the same part of a shop over and over
again, tries on the same clothes over and over again, and she walks
slowly. But I am pleased that I kept my patience. I am pleased with
the three Ts I bought which are great price and exactly what I want -
simple and comfortable and presentable.

Shopped for two hours, then to lunch. We had Macau crusine, and I
loved the food. She related to me about her boyfriend. And I realized
that finding a boyfriend is actually more of an economic thing. (I
felt instinctively resentful, but I never explictly think that! I must
have felt it all along.) She is not my kind of person. She does not
love a thing, she only cares about worldly success. She felt that if
she marries her boyfriend they would have morgage for maybe 20 years,
so she wanted to find a wealthier boyfriend as future husband.

I am more convinced that I dislike treating marriage as a special
'legal' state. Marriage between two persons should be a special form
of friendship. A relationship more intimate than friend, and with sex.
Friendship does not have legal obligations, between friends the
parties concerned are equal. Primetive people need law to enforce a
parent (usually men) to be responsible to their children. Civilized
men should have children for the happiness that children can bring.

I arrived home at about 16:00. I planned for the rest of the day to 1)
play piano, 2) watch a Muse gig video. But I was tired so I lied down
and read P&P. I will read its introduction later tonight. After dinner
I played piano. But I don't have the time to watch Muse... I chatted
with S and Thomas.

One of the reason that I feally like Thomas is that he could connect
with so many different types of people without losing his own
identity. It seems to me that he does not try to be nice, he just has
an open mind. I think he is artistically talented too. I was genuinely
touched by his review of 'Dragonheart' years ago. I didn't know him
then. But he does not have the chance to develop. And he is not
conscious enough to go alone in that path, nor anyone genuinely good
to help him...

In my afternoon I finished P&P hastily. With its ending I felt warm
hearted. I helped Mum with dinner and later wash up. Yesterday I had a
vision of a perfect house - a little garden and a neat and clean hall
in which Mum reads a newspaper. If only I could give them that! It
would be most delightful for them...

As for myself, I need only very small space to live in. Big enough for
my piano and books. My ideal life is to have great things for my
parents, while a quite and simple life for my own. Maybe a nice quite
life for my children... I can't ! There is no quite and healthy place
in my country.

S texted me to renew his invitation to go swimming with me. I felt
ashamed that I didn't keep my promise earlier, and I felt I needed
some real nudge to get me swim again so I accepted. My health and
energies is not at its best. I slept badly recently. I will be modest
tommorrow. Maybe 300 meters.

Jill asked me to attend the occasion of her getting Christianed
tommorrow night. I don't know what I will do on such an occasion. I
will go though. And leave early if it does not end by 21:00. I hope
there will be music, especially Bach, in the Church (do they play
music on such occasions? Is there an organ in that church?). And I've
never been to a church before!

So my Sunday is booked to the full. I felt good that there are friends
who thinks of inviting me. In S's case I am a bit apologetic since I
can't help him with piano and I rely on him to instruct me on
swimming. In Jill's case, I am moved by her thinking of me. I don't
know whether she understands I am a convinced atheist. And I'm a bit
surprised that she should choose me to witness her getting
Christianed. I will go to church to find reasons to be humbled. As for
the other friend 'I' who is also going to be Christianed tommorrow, I
felt nothing except I may be embarrassed being with him, trying to
think of a topic to talk with him. He has a decided air which I so
completely dislike.

I will not have time to watch new Doctor Who tommorrow!

A busy day and Doctor Who night

2010-05-21T22:40:00.001+08:00

I forgot to say in last entry that yesterday the debut of my 'We Are Golden' shirt. I love the bright red colour and dazzling golden letters. I listened to Mika on my way to work, trying to feel that possitivity again. But the planned Mika Day did not happen. His songs are too engaging. I switched to Bach afterwards.

Work... Corrected a logic error today. Setting up everything from to run took a bit time. And in the afternoon did performance test. I am very bitter at Raymond. I remember the first time he told me he bought a Kindle, it was on the subway train. When I got off on my own, I felt total discontent and envy, like it should have been mine, like I was bullied or cheated. I was quite surprised that I should be harbouring so much negative feelings. I'm glad that I know (more importantly, and feel) that there is no solid ground for my resent, so whenever I have to talk to him for work or anything, I can compose myself and genuinely engage into the conversation. I think that he is a really great person helps a lot for me to overcome negative feeling. I don't expect to be working with someone like him again (yet I still blowed it up!).

I listened to more Bach during lunch break and the fourth Gloria in Mass in B Minor took me as always.

I did not play piano tonight. The important thing tonight is to watch Amy's Choice and the Confidential. Its preview looked interesting. And I had the best laugh for months at the line "You swallowed a planet!" Hahahah!! But overall I am too distracted by the effort to create such a choice dilemma to enjoy the episode. However I got a bit teary. I think the character Rory feels so real and lovely. Love Rory! Matt and Karen are both great as usual.

I watched this Confidential but actually I felt tired. Yeah I think I'll go to bed now... 22:40 on a Friday night!

Can't think of a title

2010-05-20T23:25:00.001+08:00

Last night I planned to sleep early but with a book I don't sleep early. I am re-reading Pride and Prejudice! I never read the book again since I was a teenager. I wanted to know what I feel about it now. I have some thoughts worth writing down, but that should be another entry. When I read the book I really want to get through it soon so that I can get on with... hold on, I don't know what I want to get on with. With some Russell maybe? Get on with Salmon of Doubt? There is a huge stack of un-read books right beside me.

I put down the book at 23:30. I heard a masquito flying by and awoke in alarm. I went out of bed, put on masquito scent and went back, had some reading again and slept really late.

However today I actually felt more energetic than before, though I'm far from at my best. I finished design and coding for the known part of the new project. There is still some open issue but those are out of my responsibility. Today I heard Raymond asking about booking resource and charge money things. I never knew how these things work, who commissioned our projects. I had adopted the principle of expecting everything I should know is told me. Not every thing, I mean the big things like who are we working for, whose warefare is connected to our work... etc. all the way down to major structure of our database. I knew nothing! And I didn't know where to turn to ask these things and I didn't know if I should be asking.

If this job were genuinely my passion, I would be bold and ask wherever there is opportunity - that's how you become outstanding. But who can work as a small part of a huge business and take the business his genuine passion? I know there are such people but I'm not. That does not mean that I'm inferior. I make a living. I need to support myself.

Umm yeah! I still have bitterness. I'm now convinced that I cannot attack this problem by actually attacking it. I need to walk around it, go to another path, then I would be able to be kindly to the people on this path.

Yesterday afternoon a former collegue asked to see me in the weekend. I DON'T WANT TO! But how do I turn down her? And I feel guilty that I can't naturally be nice to her. Also I feel tired at the thought that I need to compose myself to meet her.

I remember in 'In Praise of Idleness' Russell said that women envy men. I tried to understand / feel his meaning. Now I'm quite sure what he means. I envy men yes! I can be attracted to men which is biologically natural, but that deceives me about my envious feeling towards them.

I decide to find out about every album of Muse's. What videos/EPs/singles were related to the album? Under what circumstances were some key songs written? Which ones are my favourite songs? Which album art is my favourite? (Among the 5 album art, Absolution is absolutely my favourite.) I felt an urge of need to write it just now, but after a few words I stuck and gave up.

Today's piano playing was better. I was still quite impatient at the Czerny etudes, but I manged to play them. I played the final part of Chopin, though I still can't name all the keys, I am aware of some repetition and some part that I constantly fail to remember. I think the expressive feeling is preventing me from percieving its structures, my brain wants to relax and enjoy the music! I am really going slow on this prelude of Bach (BWV 899). It's the first time I play a song with four 'channels' (need to find out the exact term). It had first appeared to be simple to me since constantly two of the four were 'resting'. But actually it still feels like four (though maybe only 2 or 3 can be heard at a time) because you need to allocate some memory to distinguish them. See? I'm thinking more.

Blank Wednesday

2010-05-19T21:55:00.001+08:00

Today has been quite blank. Did some design for new project in the morning. In the afternoon I paused advancing with design and coding and did performance test.

I like Muse cover art. I want to find out about every one of them, the EPs and singles.

I just watched a video of Mika in China. I can feel the possitive feeling which is always associated with him. I think he really works hard. He employs good management and he seems to be an extremely nice person. I was long ago convinced by Mika that art and creativity should not be diva like, it should be possitive. But trying too hard to be nice, to blend in, to employ good managment often represses the desire to express original things, which defines an artist. I think Mika is a perfect combination of being inspired and being able to work orgnizedly hard. That is because he is so possitive.

My piano session today was still lame. Maybe I should call my tutor and skip this week's lesson. I can't focus. My brain refuses to think what key my hands are pressing, it insists on reading the notes from sheet one at a time while playing.

Grab a book and off to bed.

project job and music...

2010-05-18T22:34:00.001+08:00

Now at 21:42 I'm going to conclude my day by posting my journal. I'm sleeping for less than 7 hours for weeks and I begin to feel its toll.

There is actually not much to say about today. It gives me a panic to think that Iet a day pass without leaving any impact on me.

I'm always prepared to be surprised after the release of a project, however simple it may be. But yesterday's project was fine. I checked very carefully. There is a new change made on the day we release. I went a bit into it and try to assure myself that it's fine. And it is. At least I have good reason to believe so.

I started on a new project. The project itself poses no challenge. But maybe I can set some for myself. Try to focus and be more efficient. Nowadays my workload is not too heavy I must allow no mistake.

My sudden obsession on Muse is still high. Today is the release of their new single: Neutron Star Collision (Love is Forever). The music itself sounds quite simple. It started with piano and vocals, followed with guitar and rock noises, typical. I have an impression that they don't set out to write love songs. Love songs are 'unintended'. That's something that bugs me. Not a huge fan of the new single.

So apart from Chopin Op. 9 No. 2 in 'United States of Eurasia', I discovered another song that's influenced by chopin - Piano Thing. I also love the piano solo in 'Butterflies and Hurricanes'. It sounds very Romantic and I for the first time have a strong desire to be able to play Romantic era.

I got a phone call from a small company this afternoon. Apparently they saw my resume online. They are small and based in Nan Jing so it's not likely I will go there. But I went over the thought for a while. I need to live outside my city even for once... But the interest made me feel a bit possitive.

I discovered that Hanon is played in other countries, too. And I was not surprised when I read that Hanon is especially played in Russia. Tonight's piano session was not good. I could not focus on music. I played the last section in Chopin 9-2. But I couldn't let the music sink into my memory. I can vaguely recognise some repetition of keys of previous parts, but my brain just does not go on and search anything to connect with. It was like this yesterday. I need to get my music brain back. It's approaching Wednesday! Oh my...

of last weekend and today

2010-05-17T23:28:00.001+08:00

I decide to write an account of my life daily to keep myself aware of how I spent my time. And I want to record bits of thought I have.

Arrived home last Friday night. After life-chores, watched the latest DW confidential, which is about Venice. Didn't enjoyed it much because I was interrupted by several people trying to chat with me. When DW confidential was over I was deep in one of the conversation. S wanted to play piano. And I asked him about swimming and work. (Oh I promised to swim last week but ... *shakes head*) When our conversation was over it was midnight. I was anxious since I need to get up early to go to a gathering of LOTRCN (I even planned to play piano before I leave home). I got onto bed and read P&P and forgot to sleep. It must be past 1:00 when I put down the book.

Woken up by alarm clock at 8:30 on Saturday morning and hurried to the gathering of LOTRCN friends. I would not choose the time to watch the LOTR films. But it was an event for those people, they are generally nice. I think Jill is getting closer to me than before. I feel a bit guilty since I cannot understand her Christian world view, I even doubt whether she thinks about it with intelligence. But well she is a very nice person and I believe in being nice to people especially nice persons.

Watching The Two Towers and The Return of the King, with a little lunch break, it took about 6 hours. So when I came home it was 17:00. After dinner and other life-chores, I started my daily piano practice. But I was taken away by high spirits and felt it an opportunity to record my 'experiment in C minor' song. I was satisfied by the recording but anxious for the loss of time and breaking of plan. I had planned to watch a Muse live video but there was no time. I needed to get to bed early for my piano lesson on Sunday morning! I skipped scales and finger parctise, jump to Bach and Chopin.

I struggled to get up at 8:00 on Sunday morning, getting to my emergency-practise-before-lesson. And jumped out of apartment to my lesson. My reciting to my tutor went very well. After the lesson I offerred to share my music library. We talked about music, about romantic composers, and even about pop music. It seems that my tutor does not like romantic composers too much. She had recommended Chopin to me before. But this time she spoke not so good of him. She dislikes Beethoven, saying he uses too much major keys, his expression too strong. She hates Mozart, saying Mozart too simple. Though I'm not too familiar with romantic era, I was not surprised since I had long labelled her Bach person.

So the lesson went longer then usual. After the lesson, it rained heavily and I took the opportunity to buy the sort of small umbrella I had wanted to buy for a while. When I walked out of the shop, I was caught by the sight of a Chinese edition of Stuff. It has changed Chinese logo but it's still about gadgets and it has a large 'Stuff' logo. So I bought the mag. The seller recommended a new issue of Vogue to me. I bought it for the bag that comes with the mag. I thought the seller was a very nice and possitive person. He must have sold more Vogue than ordinary mag seller.

I wanted to buy something on my way back in Muji. But I fell over a pavement stone left by a construction site. And I was carrying two heavy mags. So I went home. Muji next week then.

It was after 13:00 after I relaxed in my roon and could go on with my 'life'. The thing I wanted most to do since Friday was to watch a Muse gig video. I decided to watch the video then. The video was 1:30, I paused and rewind the video sever times so the actual time I watched was 2 hours. After that I was hugely infected by the impact left by the concert video (HAARP), I could do nothing but trying to write something. In the end the 'writing' was reduced the lyrics of 'blackout'. Listening to that song I felt very unreal and quite one with the universe! I thought: I could die.

So the Muse video cost me the whole afternoon.

I went some online job hunting afterwards. I could not decide anything. I feel I want to write songs (that's crazy talk).

Being a good product of our education system, I never knew what is genuine desire until recently. I desired to go to good university but that was not genuine, that was imposed by my parents. I had developed some interest in other things but those interested were primitive. My love for scifi and surrealism and Bach felt different. I had loved art. I can sketch. But the love for music now is different than my love of art. I don't think I'm in the right mind to make any desicion now. But as my current job contract is near its end, I must do something! What do I want in a job? I had thought of that question. I want my next job to enable me to be finacially independent and still support my luxious habbit of buying books and CDs from abroad. And I want to be in an environment so that I can be with nice and mature people. Now I'm beginning to think I want the job to provide me with some leisure so that I can have more time to pursue music! I'm demanding too much to be realistic... I think, ultimately I want to find in the (ultimate) job a way to achieve something. But that's not going to happen anytime soon.

====
Monday
I slept for less than 7 hours and woke up to Monday. Today I've got a release. And they are requesting new changes! The changes were related to the project that I were to release today so I hurried to make the code ready and push it hurriedly to production.

At that time Joseph was asking me why I only filled 26 working hours for last week. Actually I think this is a project planning error on his side. I was quite idle last week. I listened to H2G2 audio book last week during work time. Nice came back from US last week. I sort of wanted to avoid him. But there was one time we were at the dining area at the same time. He paused to ask about me. I was surprised that I didn't break down right before him - Nowadays I tend to take things with ill humor and I always sink to morbid state. Maybe that's why I listen to Muse instead of Mika. I feel ashamed when listening to Mika. I know what it is to be nice and good but I can't, not right now.

I lied and told Joseph that I was reading doc. He pressed me as to what doc I read. So I probbed my internet history and digged out two articles about number storage. Don't appeal me to my sense of guilty. I will be good! I promise! When I'm really fallen back to a comfortable state and compose myself.

Anyway, I hope the project released today goes on well. Oh another thing. Tom asked if I fixed the minor mistake of their previous project. I didn't. It was not in our scope. And I was not myself these months. I'm at my lowest point.

Another thing happend today was that when I refused to pass through the inpection machine when I entered subway, a man came to me and grabbed my arm. He threaten that I could go to prison for this. I was made to put my bag for inspection. He said, 'you can't be against the Communist Party!' At the mention of the Party I screamed at him. On retrospection, I could have played it with more humor. But well, I'm at my lowest point in years...

I will need to inspect my newly released project tommorrow, that I expect to take me 2 hours. And I need to go over my own design of the complicated old project. Next project is to change that thing!

I need to get up. I need to get good humor back. I need to be humble. Come on!!!

test post

2010-04-26T14:20:00.001+08:00

test post!

Thanks,

Kate
XY Chen

Journal entry 090914

2009-09-14T11:16:00.001+08:00

Spend a lot of efforts to distract me from morbid thoughts. Hate myself for having to make a lot of efforts. Habbitually sinking back to morbidness when I'm not paying attention and let trains of thoughts go on their own does not help at all.

Book Review: Rite of Passage by Alexei Panshin

2009-04-06T12:12:00.002+08:00

As I posted in Goodreads
-----------------------------------
I read Alexei Panshin's Rite of Passage again. For some reason, this story is very close to my heart. It's a story of a young girl, Mia, living in a floating spaceship, facing the Trial of her society. This Trial is the mark of adulthood in their community of thirty thousand, their 'Rite of Passage'.

The story began with Mia's little joys and frustrations. And behind that, she had her fears and prejudices. I always love 'coming of age' stories. Usually I just enjoy reading about the growing potential of a young man. But as the story goes on, Rite of Passage becomes much broader than an ordinary coming of age story. I mean broader in the intellectual sense rather than things like epic action with is usually expected of sci-fi stories.

Mia's growth is a course of continuing discarding her own previous convictions and embracing new. At first She had plenty of reasons to dispise other kids. She gradually came to having peace with this sort of unpleasantness. Likewise, she and other Ship people had plenty of reasons to dispise Planet people. But obviously people as a group comes to a change much slower than an individual does. As an individual, Mia came to her own conclusion of how to deal with planet people. I read with enormous joy about how she became more and more open-minded. All that was required is that she had a vigorous spirit and was naturally compassionate.

I have to say that this change of previous beliefs and gradually opening up the mind is the center of growing up, at least that's how I have felt. I can't think of any other fiction that deals with this theme so well. Appearing in sci-fi form gives the story a sense of neutrality, not siding up with anything now in this world. That's one of the advantages sci-fi as a form can provide, which writers should utilize more.

I even love one of the minor implications of the story. It is implied that living self-content like those in the Ship do, without feeling attatched to their primitive Planet people, the society seems to be going nowhere. Creative activities such as writing a novel, or creating art ceases to happen.

The author Alexei Panshin has put his 'making of' this novel on his website Abyss of Wonder. It largely concerns with how he was fancinated by sci-fi because of Robert Heinlein's early work. And later Panshin had serious problems with them. Panshin says in 'Robert Heinlein and Rite of Passage' that as a child he read Heinlein and was led to the question, 'can it be that the present human culture is still in its adolescence phase? do the grown-ups still need to grow up?'. Later he found the answer to those questions is yes as he encountered the problems with Heinlein's work.

The problems Panshin met was that though the West has plenty of reasons to dispise and feel threatened by the Communists, do they have the right o distroy them by atomic bombs? It's very like Ship and Planet relationship in Rite of Passage. And in RoP, Panshin made his points more eloquently than I can put here in a review.

Maturity consists of the ability to sort out portions of truth from accepted lies and self-deceptions that you are grown up with. If you never made the effort, whatever you are, you are not mature.

can't bring myself together...

2009-04-02T14:34:00.001+08:00

...to do anything...

gibberish...

2009-03-13T17:13:00.001+08:00

This morning in the subway train I saw another one reading an English book. She looked quite ordinary rather than HK-ish or anything that suggested difference. I can totally understand that with wider access to English books a lot of people are reading in that language. It's been a very very long time since I last read a readable original work in Chinese.

Would it be a shame if the Chinese culture (as of now) went to its death? Emotionally such a possibility could be enjoyable to me. But then I think of wxb... Whether I could allow myself to indulge into this cruelty I cannot decide. But this does not appeal to my logical side. Anything that lessens diversity cannot.

I still believe in good will and honest efforts.

2009-01-24T14:53:00.000+08:00

Yes, and just needed to be reminded.

Finishing RoP

2008-12-26T15:04:00.001+08:00

Last night I was reading Rite of Passage before sleep as usual. I didn't stop until I reached the end and it was already past midnight.

As I expected, the last part took me completely and is so much broader than anything in previous pages.

I closed the book and lay in bed waking. It suddenly occurred to me that no book had ever touched me like this. I had been very fond of many books. There were several books at a time I loved so much that I could immediately tell what was to follow if you read any sentence from them. But I know 'Rite of Passage' is something very different than even them.

It not only just described things as I have seen them, it acquired the descriptions the way I had, and it even finishes without a sense of ending. I have always been afraid that someday, as a grown up, I might have no desire to change, to improve myself, or no time to. Mia broadened herself throughout the story, that is something I want to do all my life. I had thought that this is something too personal to express in any spoken form.

Reading Rite of Passage

2008-12-25T13:26:00.005+08:00

I dropped the H2G2 books (for later) for Alexei Panshin's Rite of Passage as it arrived from Amazon. I first read it in a Chinese magazine. I didn't know it was abridged. But I was stunned by the (partial) story anyway. I walked right into the story and didn't stop for a break for hours. It is a story that keeps me turning pages though I don't want to see it end, as if I wish I lived Mia's life.

It is a story very close to my heart. I must say I have a special love for 'coming of age' theme. But most of the time I just enjoy the prospect of a growing young man. But Rite of Passage not only touches me on the emotional aspect, but resonates with me in intellectual level. I really love the way the story starts from little Mia's practical troubles and simple joys, and then gradually unfolds itself to much greater topics like ethics and politics. I have no idea what other topics are to be explored in the pages to come and that excites me. I don't want it to end just like I don't want my life to end.

I must admit that Mia is quite different from me. She is decisive and sporty. Usually I hate decisive people but mixed with sporti-ness it seems a most healthy combination (for a human, not for the Ruler of the Universe ;) ).

Sci-fi really opens your mind and makes you think different.

DeviantART banned in China

2008-12-18T15:53:00.001+08:00

copying my dA journal here...

I am extremely upset about this matter. It's been disturbing to me for almost 5 days now since DeviantART was banned.

Here goes the journal written on Monday----
I am able to update this journal only because at the place I work I am able to remote access a computer that is physically located in US. However deviants in China were abhored to find that we could not access 'www.deviantart.com' since Sunday morning (2008-12-14 GMT+8). A simple command 'tracert' shows that the internet route is terminated at an IP which belongs to China Telecom. Obviously 'www.deviantart.com' is now in the black list of Chinese authority.

We do not know the reason why our government decided to ban dA. There is no official announcement or notice of any kind that we know of. (There was not any notice when Wikipedia and Blogspot and Youtube and many other useful websites were banned. And there is no explaination when Wikipedia was released from black list during the Beijing Olympics.) Some of us suspect that the issue is connected with Tibetan politics since they find an increasing number of Tibentan theme deviations recently. (I personally did not test this.)

I personally ha no idea at all why we should be deprived of the wonderful community of dA. I have met really nice people here. Some of them especially nice to China. And there are great Chinese artists who are selling prints in dA.

There have been just too many websites that were/are banned. From the few examples I personally kept track of I noticed that if it's a big cooperate run site, it may be released in a few months or even years (examples are Wikipedia and some subsites from Google). But if it's a small personal site (like www.paul-simon.info) then once it is banned, nobody remembers to release later. Since dA falls into the first category, I keep my finger crossed that we will be back in dA soon.

I'm sure there are many harmful websites on the internet that anyone would be better off without them, which can be the reason for politians to propose to introduce internet censorship. But believe me, once they cross the line, they will never know where to stop. Everyone should be entitled the right to decide what they are going to read or believe.

DeviantART has a free atomsphere and anyone can upload what they consider art - that's what is great about dA, and that's what makes dA irreplaceable by any other art community. I would not be surprised at all if I found opinions here that is intolerable by our government - I did not find any because I was not looking for it.

I am so dis-heartened that our government should prove itself to be a dictation form, which I had doubted and hoped to be wrong. I had hoped people in the West to stop accusing China to be dictatorial and let us develop in our own style. Though I always knew the West had a point. To me, dA being banned obviously have placed an acutly huge weight for the West in this argument.

journal entry 2008-11-07

2008-11-07T16:37:00.006+08:00

Here I am, writing at work again :)

Well there are three things I wish to include in this entry.

First it's the H2G2 books I am reading. (I'm only in the third book 'Life, Universe and Everything'.) They are the most extraordinary things I've encountered in quite a while. I'm reading something about the author Douglas Adams online and I find myself admire him more and more.

I have always suspected / thought that 'geekness' and art are the same, or at least similarly rooted. So far, I think Adams' books are the most beautiful proof.

Among the negative reviews of the Hitchhicker books I've seen so far, I tend to agree with one point: that the books seems to be many great ideas thrown hastily together. Well firstly, to me, a collection of all these ideas is nice enough, and secondly, I personally think they are not too 'hastily thrown'. For example in the first book you get to know that the real ruling power of the galaxy does not lie in the President and the President's job is only to distract public's attention from the real power. Then in the second book we get to visit the ruler of the Universe - I'd say this makes the books consistent enough for me to enjoy.

The ruler of the Universe is so far my favourite part of the books. I am almost moved to tears that an author should have created a character that is so skeptical and so lovely - well but I was laughing with tears when reading it so there is no room for 'moved to tears'. This extreme form of doubt combined with politeness and good will - Adams voiced what I have always thought by creating such a character, and it was never voiced (to my knowledge) before.

I think fish is nice, but then I think rain is wet... so who am I to judge?

H2G2 books sounds insane but they are all truer than most things you read. - that's why I love sci-fi. And they are even combined with British humor... I read that Adams was even script editor of Doctor Who! This world is insane and I'm happy with that.

----
The next things to follow are sadly about myself.

I remember in the preface to BR's autobiography 'What I Have Lived For', he said that one of the purposes he had been lived for is he wanted to allievate human suffering. He had 'wished to understand hearts of men'.

Russell's books are sort of 'hitchhicker's guide' to my life. So far I agree with everything he said (I mean the part of what he said that I can understand! :D ) . So I don't know why I have lost the ability, or rather, the desire to understand people.

Everyday I perceive people making haste judgements. I came to understand that my own judgements are not reliable either. That was when I stopped assuming what people think and why they think so.

But making no judgements doesn't mean you can't try to understand. And I think deep in my subconsciousness I am still making judgements. It seems humans cannot live without judgements, however prone they are to make mistakes and however much they want to avoid.

I am glad I'm writing this without being bitter. Perhaps it was the preceding H2G2 part that is keeping me from bittering while talking about this most dreadful thing.

----
Well generally I love my life. I love it that I am constantly unsatisfied with myself. I not only love it, I also want more of it. That's why I should learn to concentrate on a matter while I'm dealing with it without worrying about the vast parts of other interests of mine.

I want to be good at work.
I want to rest well.
I want to be healthy.
I want to keep reading.
I want to create artwork.
I want to keep practising piano and someday be able to play songs I like.
I want to learn java and finish my ACS program.
I want to create fractal program.
I want to travel.
I want to write sci-fi story.
I want to be a true geek.
I want to be a forgiving person.
I want to understand hearts of men.

Well recently a great many load was taken off me in work. At first I was very panic. But now I'm feeling quite goot as I am always a slow learner. Obviously the last 6 months they have been putting too much trust on me and it's great that now I can relax and think. Now I'm free of responsibility and I am enjoying it.

Being not pushed by anything or anyone, I am now able to perceive that I am indeed not worse than anyone in geekishness. Though I am worse than most people in awkwardness o.O . Knowing this kind of reduce my awkwardness though...

Well after this weekend's travel I'm going to put myself back on track! Certainly I'm not content with staying free of responsibility for always. And when I rise again I shall be prepared.

2008-10-16T15:26:00.001+08:00

I'm not at all feeling guilty writing this at work time because depression has struck me quite un-functional. I'm bitter and morbid these days.

I know when I come into office I have one word written all over me: female. And to many people that means I cannot do real work with real accuracy and efficiency. Many people believe girls are weak in logic. Well first I hate labeling person and judging them by label. And after all, not many people understand what a geek in fact I am.

Actually I am often told that I can't possibly be good comparing to somebody else. That teaching has planted a distrust in myself in me. As I notice recently, I can come up with suggestions and assumptions no worse than anyone when solving a problem - I just don't have the strength to go along my understanding for long - I think there is a certain amount of fear buried in, fear of being wrong, fear of not being understood...

And what irretates me much more is that many people are so dump (I'm sorry to be so bitter!) but they don't appear so because they don't doubt. After all, there is nothing serious if you shouted something wrong. And they appear in male form so they win people's trust easilier. (Why are you asking ppl to trust you when even you yourself don't?!)

If you can't survive your current environment you cannot do anywhere else. Is my situation really so hopeless?

Okay that's the end of my bitching. How can you call yourself a geek if you cannot deal with misunderstanding with ease and humor??

random thoughts of recent

2008-07-27T19:57:00.002+08:00

My friend Alex just came back from US for his summer holidays. We had a get together and I was a bit low after our meeting. I know I was not low for him. I was low entirely for myself... ya self pity, you pathetic!

What I was thinking was, how easy it has been for him to 'get' me while I am such a reluctant person to be 'got'.

We have a new girl joining our team. She is a natural and warm and lovely. I almost feel ashamed of myself comparing with her. She talks about everything which makes everyone around her at ease.

I have always resented talkative people. I don't think many people share my trouble with my own language - and I hope no many would - mostly I hope I myself won't remember. The resent towards language has made me such a reluctant person. I am not able to *think* while someone is talking - I am always waiting for the speaker to shut up so that I can go over the thing in my head. This trouble has made me a cold hearted person. I cannot relate myself to people easily.

Just jump in with both feet! Embrace your role!

Every sound makes me less willing to make a sound

2008-06-25T11:54:00.002+08:00

The title says all...

journal entry 080615

2008-06-15T17:06:00.001+08:00

I'm not sure.

To become a professional, one of the requirements is that you should have the ability to express well. I know that but I was not sure I really want that. Last week I gave 3 presentations. I didn't enjoy them, and I didn't enjoy preparing for them.

I disliked presentations because:
1) I am slow with evaluating what people think
2) I have trouble with language

The one thing that surely can send me back to the most negative state is spoken language.

journal entry 080611

2008-06-11T12:25:00.004+08:00

I feel a bit depressed while I know I have no right whatsoever to complain. Everything has been running in my favor and I shouldn't ask for more. I still feel a bit depressed however.

Recently I am working on a project that needs some calculation and logic and others. I really enjoy doing this - trying to understand what would serve business while looking at data. I am brought back to the school days. I remember I didn't like Math because I was slow with arithmetics. But when Math class goes beyond mere arithmetics into logic, function and all, I was excited. Before calculus I loved math. (I still don't understand calculus, I would love to understand 'infinite' and other concepts though, but my professor at university never explained and I don't know what questions to ask to get the answers I want.)

Now I know why I liked math and a bit of physics too. When I was little I was surrounded
with people who trust their common senses completely. They are content with knowing the fact without questioning how they arrive at it. And when they are wrong you can't point it out to them. They would shout 'how can such and such be wrong' and stop you from any reasoning. I was very bitter at being treated like this. But being able to work out math problems at school made up for that. I remember one day I was trying to convince the girl in my class (who was very popular with teachers) that if you release items from a flying aeroplane and if there were no air around the object, the object would always be right below the plane as long as the plane doesn't change course. And finally I gave up because she wouldn't believe me. When it came to exams I was always better because I don't trust common senses only. But in other aspects of life sensible persons have the upper hand. (well look at me, I have been a geek all along!)

But calculating at work is even better than working at exams. My geekish instincts are even more valuable here.

contemplate on work error and on an idea from BR's book

2008-06-05T12:03:00.006+08:00

First it's the error I made at work.
I look back at the test process and wonder how such an error could have been detected. There is the non standard ksh in this process, which I was not making any change. I should have run is as it runs in production environment but I didn't because I spared the effort to run the shell so that I wouldn't need to face the possible errors.

Well that is another blow. I admire those people who are not afraid of trying new things, making mistakes. And I am such an opposite to those qualities! We have this development environment to allow us to make mistakes. No one wants to attract troubles to happen to himself but to be able to control the quality of work, you have to have an inquisitive mind, to go to troubles by yourself, to prepare to face errors while you still can in development environment.

While the above was what I have concluded in my own speculation, DX and Nice came to me with very different speculations on this matter. (I'm almost ashamed that they are not blaming me for this...) DX had said that when deciding how much effort should be put into development of a certain project, we give too much proportion to the complexity of the thing we are doing. However, many easier project are much more risky. This is a very refreshing take on this matter.

What's even more refreshing is Nice's take. In the meeting yesterday, he asked us to try our best to get code right at the moment we write them down. I have always emphasized on testing because you never know when you are getting things wrong, only after testing your code, seeing that data is correctly manipulated, logic is rightly applied then can you release this piece of code. But his approach is much more aggressive. After my reason agreed with him I suddenly find that passively rely on testing is such an un-sportsmanlike manner. You have to trust yourself, your strength, your mind power. You have to get healthier, stronger on your self. -- This is so enlightening!

Another thing I wish to talk about in this entry is:
I'm picking up Russell's 'A History of Western Philosophy' again. In a chapter regarding Plato, Russell said that when coming at a difficult or strange topic, he liked to absorb himself with every petty detail, and then, after he had acquainted himself with detailed information, he would be able to see the whole picture. I think last time I read in 'Conquest of Happiness' he had said that if he was to explore a difficult topic, he would give this matter a lot of thinking. And then the matter goes into his sub-consciousness. Later when he pick up his pen he would find that the work has already been done. I think he is saying the same thing in both books but last time when I read 'Conquest' I didn't understand this. Here I suddenly realise that such a thinking pattern is actually my instinct also.

Some people like to know the whole picture before they proceed into details when coming at a new topic, and some other people like to know every detail and then conclude the whole picture. I have always thought I was among the first group. But suddenly I now think I'm actually in the second group. Because if you want to know anything exactly, it would be extremely unsafe if you go into details with a pre-assumption. Only when the matter is chopped into tinyest unit can you know anything for sure.

Okay, there is not much time left and I'm stopping here and will go on my speculation at another time.

First major mistake...

2008-05-29T19:51:00.002+08:00

I can't believe this escaped my testing...

Anniversary (draft)

2008-05-19T20:50:00.006+08:00

On my 22nd birthday I began working on DX team full time. I allow myself to view this coincidence as a very good omen. Now as I am approaching 1 year I look back on the previous year with enormous gratitude. There is one truth about us humans that a cynical person has potential to be more grateful than a normal 'good' person. I actually am such a person. I am turned a much better person by our team.

This has been best year of my life EVER. It is better because I underwent change greater than any other year. Also it is better because I see more changes lie ahead in the next year for me. In my experience, nothing feels better than knowing you are constantly getting better, learning from every mistake, taking modest pride in every little achievement. I am able to do this with the help of our team members.

Looking back at that time period when I was about to face the end of my under graduation days, I was very panic. It's a miracle that I am not crushed into pieces stepping out of the protection schools and my university had offered me. I can't believe I have survived, and even come to love my life.

I can recall many years ago I first read Bertrand Russell's 'What I have Lived For'. (As I came to know later that) It was the preface to his autobiography. He wrote in the end of the essay -

...This has been my life. I would gladly live it again if the chances were offered me.

I was about 15 years old when I first read this and I thought: I wouldn't want to live my life again. All my life I have been wanting to throw away my current life. And when some introspective moment came to me and I thought about this question: what I am living for? I recall Russell's essay and thought I want to be able to say the above quoted words at the end of my life. And I find that for the first time in my life ever, I would actually be able to say this if I died now.

I have never worked at anything so hard as I did in the past year. (I would be happier if I had wanted to at the very first.) And yet my leisure time has never been so fruitful. I resumed the habbit of reading. I think it is the first time that I constantly have an open book at hand to read everyday. Also I'm learning piano! Science and Art are the best thing of human kind, I am taking my effort to understand them, to go in these fields as far away as I could. To me, of all forms of lives, there is nothing better than having technology / science as work and having art or music at leisure time.

In the fictions I read or watch, I admire people with adventurous spirit and open minds (that is why I love Doctor Who so much). While I am far from such a person, this is what I aim for in the next year.

(to be continued or amplified... :-))

This account is up again...

2008-04-27T15:04:00.003+08:00

Google's service has an appeal to me. So now I'm copying what I typed in my DeviantART journal here -

Feel free to attack me if you can do it intelligently rather than merely passionately.

I can remember the first time the word 'Olympics' revealed its true meaning to me - it was when I got my first credit card and found I was able to order things from Amazon. I bought John Williams' 'Greatest Hits 1969 - 1999' and there was a track 'Olympic fanfare' on it. Of course I heard the music before but always with some sports event happening. It was the when the music and the sports seperate that I was finally able to understand what sportsmanship was - win with grace, lose with good will, meet challenge with courage. If I was to encounter some alien species, the thing that would make me proud of being a human would be the possession of sportsmanship.

And I know now why sports events never told me what sportsmanship was - because they are extremely in lack of it. Did I hear whether Yao Ming will recover from his wound to attend the 2008 Olympics is now a state top secret? And is it not that the whole world (including, especially, my own country) is now taking the 2008 Beijing Olympics as an attention opportunity to express their views on Tibet politics?

Oh I forgot to say, if I encountered aliens, I would be ashamed of being a human because we are passionate about politics - an activity in which almost everyone either forgets what he is for / against, or knows what he is for but fights for the wrong side because someone else changed their course but the person was fighting too passionately to notice the change.

Hey people! Ours is a wonderful species. There is the beauty of science, art, literature and the love among people - those things need our attention much more than the hate and confusion of politics.

I'm not saying Tibet does not need our attention. 1, it should not be mingled with sports. 2, I think it's up to the Tibetan people themselves but most people that are fighting for this matter are not Tibetan themselves.

Library v2

2008-04-20T19:15:00.008+08:00

My library version 2 - added link to Google Library...
I wish there was a better service to help me maitain this table more easily. But I probably should be paying more attention to what I'm reading than how to display them.

#	start date	end date	link	Author
1	2007-12-01		A History of Western Philosophy	Bertrand Russell
2	2007-11-01	2007-11-24	Wisdom of the West	Bertrand Russell
3	2007-12-29	2008-01-03	Stardust	Neil Gaiman
4	2008-01-07	2008-01-07	Coraline	Neil Gaiman
5	2008-01-08	2008-01-11	Prince Caspian	C. S. Lewis
6	2008-02-12	2008-02-14	The Voyage of Dawn Treader	C. S. Lewis
7	2008-02-21	2008-02-27	The Silver Chair	C. S. Lewis
8	2008-02-28	2008-03-08	The Last Battle	C. S. Lewis
9	2008-03-09	2008-03-16	The Magician's Nephew	C. S. Lewis
10	2008-03-16	2008-03-21	The Horse and His Boy	C. S. Lewis
11	2008-03-23		Nineteen Eighty-Four	George Orwell
12	2008-04-17		Thinking in Java	Brouce Eckel

my library

2008-01-05T15:02:00.000+08:00

Ever since I saw Art Garfunkle's Library, I want to record my own library. So here it goes... though I would like to build a little db to store more information about the books and even my comments and so on, but currently I don't know how to. So I think I'm content with an html table for the time being...

#	start date	end date	title	author
1	01-01-06	02-15-06	Dark Force Rising	Timothy Zahn
2	04-01-06	04-16-06	The Last Command	Timothy Zahn
3	02-28-06	02-28-06	Prince Caspian	C. S. Lewis
4	03-10-06	03-10-06	The Lion, the Witch and the wardrobe	C. S. Lewis
5	04-23-06	05-13-06	Jude the Obscure	Thomas Hardy
6	06-12-06	06-22-06	Bertrand Russell, the Passionate Sceptic	Alan Wood(孙乃修译)
7	08-19-07	08-31-07	Les Miserables	Victor Hugo
8	09-07-06	09-07-06	Rite of Passage	Alexei Panshin(郭文、展天戈译)
9	11-01-07	11-24-07	Wisdom of the West	Bertrand Russell(tr)
10	12-10-07	12-26-07	莎乐美的七层纱	周黎明
11	12-29-07	01-03-08	Stardust(teen edition)	Neil Gaiman